Tuesday, December 09, 2025

Saturday hospital call

 PT on the phone 10:12 am .  Slight stroke?  Details later.  She had a scare, in her voice.  

Cliff showed up on facebook the other day with a short clip of his walk-through part in Celine Song's great movie Materialists.  That got him an hbo invite to the season wrap party for Gilded Age at the Plaza---Cliff's old stomping grounds for when he was a sommelier there. 

Still seems some strange thing---three of my friends were in Skopje at the same time, same few months.  Although I've never pinned down whether they all three had tea together.  Cliff Rames, Nicholas Colloff, Dick Mertens.  New Jersey, UK, and Wisconsin/Chicago.  

Gray morning, heavy.  No snow but maybe some tomorrow.  Cold.  People running by the street window while we had breakfast.  

those skinny little branches with no roots or stalks coming out of the rocks with a drive for eternity 244 Antunes 

Sunday late afternoon  Going to put Melancholy II aside for now.  Start the Septology and stay with Handke.  Do I need to order another book of his?  In Left Handed Woman.  Moment of True Feeling ready for next.  

PT's news next day was all is ok.  Monday now.  Judith and Jim here to clean.  She seems a bit shakier, don't know if there is any health issue he is helping her with.  My guess.  Colder today but sun out so far.

We were deep into two series the past few days.  Royal Doctors Flying Service from Australia and Murder in a Small Town set in Gibsons BC.  Star of that show is a younger son of Donald Sutherland.  Very sensitive actor.  Co-star who plays Cassandra a great match.  The Australian team is a different hospital show, flying male nurses and a British doctor all over a vast region around Adelaide.  Where is that?  Is that on the southern rim?  Yes where the other big cities are.  

Ok in Handke's book, Left-Handed---I did not expect this!  "'Do you know what she says you are?  A private mystic.  She's right.  You are a mystic.  Damn it, you're sick.  I told Franziska a bit of electroshock would straighten you out.'"  Bruno tells her this, after just having tried to hit her.  Electroshock bit of a meme on here of late.  Thought I would put Fosse down for a rest but here Handke is stepping in to fill out the void.  Maybe need to pick up Melancholy II after all.  

Marianne is a translator from French to German.  Brussel sprouts are the one vegetable children like.  

Saturday, December 06, 2025

glyphdar

 thought I had already posted that genius invention but it doesn't show up in search so here it is.  After yesterday's melancholy rant you would think today I would line up endless instances over the past eighty years, seventy years, of light flashes, intuitive mystical leaps and jumps, highs and ecstasies of every sort to counter balance counterstate the depression brought about or enabled by Fosse's dangerous book.  Well danger in the eyes of the readers.  

Dec 5 Friday

Mertens called last evening from cold Chicago, walking in deep snow.  Went to 1 degree here last night.

Finishing Journey to Serbia. Still not successful at pairing the bed remote, the second remote.  

the great Yugoslavian idea once proceeded from there---Croatia 79  But who knows? What does a stranger know?  art as the essential diversion 

the suicide note of Slobodan Nikolič, 8 October 1992   Handke's letter finished 19 December 1995

It was so detailed and immediate I doubt I understood much of it at all.  And yet at the end very briefly he makes very clear and powerful his point---the artist must try to defeat the machinery, the automatic responses, the fossilized rhetorics of journalism, of media in order to put us in touch with our commonality, our common childhoods.  Apropos of the item today from new yorker about Beckett's early years with the psychiatrist Brion.  The struggle in Jung's terms of everyone to be fully born.  

Colin coming to play piano with Bela.  We think.  Had no text exchange beforehand.  Yes he came.  William, seven, having trouble at school, poking kids with his pencil.  Colin thinks he's jealous of his younger sister, Caroline, 5.  Wants to get him outside more, burn off energy in the snow.  He thinks he needs more time with him, attention.  I agreed, suggested he do a little roughhouse with him.  

Now into Handke's Left-Handed Woman.  And Melancholy II.  Did I try to read that one before?  Perhaps.  

Marrianne and her son Stefan.  On their own.  Bruno visiting.  Wenders movie but not able to find it.  

Oline will have nothing to do with the idea of a water closet.  Sometimes she takes the fish into the outhouse built of driftwood when she is tired of the walk up hill.  Both brothers have gone on.  

Wednesday, December 03, 2025

Trumbauer also

Fosse's Melancholy got to me, under my skin, through my skin.  So glad I found correct information about the hospital, Eugenia Memorial.  Further looking today got old photos and more amazing information---the building was designed by Horace Trumbauer's firm!  Just like Ronale Manor and Lynnwood Hall. This from the images on facebook

Pre-Demolition Briar Hill/Eugenia Hospital
Design by Horace Trumbauer, photos taken & contributed by Deb Wilson
Horace Trumbauer built Briar Hill Mansion for William McIntyre Elkins, the grandson of traction magnate William Lukens Elkins. The estate was built between 1929 and 1930 in Whitemarsh Valley, Pennsylvania, and Elkins was a notable book collector and part of the extended Elkins-Widener family that commissioned many houses from Trumbauer.
I remember the rotunda the entrance, black marble floor as I recall.  Beautiful curving stairway up to the second floor.  Security grills on all the windows. Ugly green paint on walls and windows.  Every inch covered by heavy brown film of years of tobacco smoke hazing up the whole interior.  Brother Thomas had been taken there a day or two before I was and there were guesses and rumors about electric shock therapy.  I had a sense that the shock therapy section was in one wing and I was housed in the dormitory in the other wing and I kept fearing I would be moved.  Nothing to do but take the meds every day, sit in the common area, eat meals.  Daily or every so often we were given materials to make woven potholders, keep our fingers busy, pass the time.  Must have met with a doctor in the white coats every so often but no specific memories of that.  
Memoir of a pre-twink Catholic, or how I lost a vocation and found an otter's life.  Thing is Fosse's imagined portrait of Hertervig has none of that flip, sarcastic edge to it.  Did he work from a biography?  Must have.  By the time he wrote it Hertervig quite a national Norwegian hero. wiki Fosse was born in 1959 in Haugesund, Norway, and grew up in Strandebarm.[10] His family were Quakers and Pietists, which he credits with shaping his spiritual views.[11] A serious accident at age seven brought him close to death; Fosse saw a shimmering light and experienced peace and beauty: "I think this experience fundamentally changed me," Fosse recalled, "and perhaps made me a writer.[12][13] He started writing around the age of twelve. As a teenager, Fosse was interested in becoming a rock guitarist, and he began to dedicate more time to writing once he gave up his musical ambitions.[11] He also played the fiddle, and much of his teenage writing practice involved creating his own lyrics for musical pieces. Growing up, he was influenced by communism and anarchism and has described himself as a "hippie
45 years younger.  Did he commit any mortal or venial sins when he was in early adolescence.  We learned to confess impure thoughts and impure acts.  Guess what the chief act of impurity was considered to be?  Lars explores it at length.  The doctors assure him it causes his craziness and insures he will never be able to paint again.  
Masturbation was considered a cause of mental illness for 
about two centuries, from the mid-18th century until the late 19th and early 20th centuries, when medical and psychological views began to shift. This belief was fueled by the 1758 publication of a Swiss physician's influential treatise linking the practice to various ailments. The association with insanity was perpetuated throughout the 19th century, but by the early 20th century, the idea was increasingly rejected as a "medical superstition"  But of course that news did not penetrate Maryland or Pennsylvania until the late 1960s.  Increasingly rejected but slowly and reluctantly.  So the way Lars feels himself treated resonated as the ways I felt considered in life deep inside the church I tried to embrace to its roots, i e by having a true vocation, being called to enter into the depths of the mysteries as to why God wanted me to be called and live the pure and perfect life of the religious life as the surest path to sainthood.  Just like Thomas Merton's great book the seven story mountain which put its blessing and romanticism for all of this over the whole of American culture for that period.  One of Kennedy's staffers came to speak to our high school class (all the way out to benighted western maryland but before that I had read Seven Storey and the novels A Separate Peace and the one by James Agee.  

Sin, guilt, shame, death, masses for the dead every morning before classes at St Marys.  Catafaulk and large black candle sticks and lighted candles, organ and voice from the choir loft singing the latin mass for the dead, the priest in that ugly black chasuble for daily use, stiff black brocade with no drape or flow whatsoever.  Sex as something wholly cloaked in secrecy and shame.  Ok, later in high school we had one class with the science teacher ready to answer any questions anyone could put forth about sexuality.  Did anyone ask if masturbation was still a venial sin or even a mortal sin under certain conditions?  Did you still need to go to confession every week, as mother nagged so often, so as to be in the worthy state of grace to go to communion on sunday morning?  
All of this tangled and retangled over the years from, I guess, 7th grade onward, or even 6th? with dad's intervention to ask his doctor to look me over and assure him I was not going to be queer.  
A lifetime of pondering these things, letting them tangle and untangle and retangle. Fosse is quite good at using simple language and endless repetition to portray this.  If you stay with it, both writing it and then reading it, surely it replicates or imitates meditative practices of all sorts.  Hindu mantras, chiefly.  Obsessive ritual as so essential to religious experiences worldwide.  Georges Bataille which did it take so long to find your work?  And those of all who like you helped everyone break away from two and more centuries of scientific idiocies beyond question.  The imperial mind, the dominance of twisted rationality.  As obsessive and endless as all such other experiences.  Art as the endless struggle to counter and reinvent.  Handke plays his role too.  Bit of a shock when he says so casually "I awoke from my nightmares with an erection, penetrated the sleeping Claire, went limp, and fell asleep again."  87  Short Letter 1972  Would he have published such a line twenty years later?  Sure, guess so.  Everything cycles and swirls no matter what regulations we attempt over the years.  
Does it do any good to rehash these things mentally or in print?  When I visited Elkins Park on my own many years later I entered the property from the back street where you could walk into the pond at the bottom of the hill on which the house was located.  Ronale Manor, Anselm Hall. The brother who was the superior when we were there was seated by the pond.  I had been to the college campus earlier and learned that it was a day celebrating his fifty years in the order.  I saw him sitting there alone, weeping, crying.  His silver hair. Recognized his whole look.  Brother Didymus John.  Such a strange first name, one I had never heard of, always remembered.  He played tennis with Kevin Douglas, John Cummins, who had gone to Anselm Hall directly from a year or two first at the merchant marine academy, he was from Pittsburgh. Did he skip the year at Ammendale?  Don't remember that.  Why did I not go further into the property, walk around the pond, and greet Brother John, remind him of who I was and wish him congratulations on is anniversary?  He after all had met with me before I departed in the spring of 1967--in mid-or late mid semester.  Sent home.  He had talked with me briefly and gave approval for canceling the temporary vows and releasing me from all obligations to the order etc etc.  I recall none of that language or detail, only in hindsight filled it in.  The one thing I remember him saying clearly was Go back home and start dating girls again.  Or start dating.  How much had Kevin ever told him about me, if anything?  Had Kevin told the house director, another brother john, more bald but gray, anything about me?  Surely he must have told him that one day that spring or the spring before when he Kevin was mowing the grass near the house I had been up on the highest floor, the fourth? in the room remodeled into a study hall with rows of oak desks made by the brother carpenters and had climbed up onto the inner edge of the largest windows (tudor style leaded glass and iron framing) the window sill and put my legs out over the will and window frame and sat there and looked down at Kevin below until he noticed me and then did I wave to him or just know that he recognized me. He walked behind a tree so I could not see him anymore.  At some point I chuckled finally to myself and said I had better go back into the room because if something happened next God himself would not have known if I had jumped or fallen.  The idea that no one would know, even myself, especially myself I guess, made me laugh a bit to myself and the laughter broke the mood, the anxiety, the cloud of fear and shame? and I got back inside. Between the two visits to Eugenia, one in November, the second in March, I was on the meds prescribed by the psychiatrist.  I drove out to see him at his office, not too far from Elkins Park, once a week for a while.  He smoked and signaled that the hour was up by putting out a cigarette and dumping the ashes accumulated in the heavy green ceramic ashtray with a round seal on it that sat in front of me, between us, marking a boundary no doubt, into a tissue and throwing them away. I think I stayed on the meds after I got home and through that summer until I started classes at College Park.  Or maybe even longer.  Upper and downer I called them, was told to call them, they felt like that, like a ceiling over and a floor under, keeping me from feeling like my normal self.  

Just back from the post office, mailing the worry bear to PT.  Street workers blocking the intersection of Highland and the street the library is on.  Big snow from yesterday all cleared, cy residues, sun melting some more.  Call from Mid-State, Va has no u t i.  
Day off not a day off as usual, but quiet.  Gray again after some sun.  Will we go to  walmart today or not?  now almost noon.  
Handke reports the strange event when Judith sent him a box wrapped in a wire attached to a battery inside so when I tried to open it further, take off the wire, he got a mild shock.  "The grass around me grew very bright, then darkened; again lizards were darting about in the corners of my eyes, the objects around me twined themselves into hieroglyphics, I ducked to avoid an insect but it was only a motorcycle droning in the distance." 122  Amazing sentence and whole passage.  He could be a bit crazy too.  Reminds me that during the night I came up with the term "glyphgar" to describe the skills I developed over the years to deal with the events that mattered to me.  In spite of all the other things surrounding them.  
Headache still.  took a sip of mild zyrtec.  now advil? or dark chocolate?  what relieves it, what causes it, is it just needing more water?  
4:24 pm  Finished Handke's Short Letter, Long Farewell  Final scene visit with John Ford after passsing through Tucson, windy, then up to Oregon to see his brother take a shit in the bushes of the logging operation, then to California to hang with Ford and tell their story.  Judith and the narrator, ready finally to part in peace.  What a strange tavelogue novel.  Would have been great for the travel course.  What to make of it?  It is brilliant, keen observations on America versus Europe.  Funny.  Detailed in millions of crisp, unusual ways.  So unusual difficult to capture, take in, break free from.  Haunting.  The torments and empty stretches the narrator goes through take us by surprise and reveal secrets not told.  Wonderful. 

 

third part of the book shifts to 1991

 he, Vidme    page 253  Dr Ole Sandburg told Lars he was sick because he masturbated and forbade him to do so and if he did not stop he would stay crazy, stay in the Asylum and never be a painter.  Lars ran away from the asylum.  Vidme is a writer.  In his thirties.  "The greatest experience of his life." 255  Few more pages in, when he walks in the rain to see the pastor of the Norwegian Church I realized I had read that part a few years ago.  I was trying to get Fosse and was rushing it.  Had no patience for the strange earlier part and read just the last section.  Then maybe I picked up the Septology in the beautiful Blue Fitzcaraldo edition and could not get far.  Found out Fosse had converted to Rome and crossed him off the list.  Last summer Eric Johnson asked me if I had read him.  So I finished the book about an hour ago, very moved by it, fascinated, rattled by the resonances slight with my Eugenia visits so many years ago, and relieved and pleased.  Looking forward now to everything of Fosse.  Now Melancholy II.  I suppose Fosse had to write it because too many people were squeamish about his portrait of Lars, the real painter and famously great, enjoys masturbation too much, links it with his art and gift for the light, and utters mysogynistic rants against women and death threats against painters who can't paint.  Whether or not this is accurate as a portrayal of schizophrenia or Hertervig's personality so far as we could know it, matters not.  Readers' responses demanded some sort of explanation.  Blurbs on the back cover clarify that it will not be an explanation but another interior exploration that even "Kafka himself would have been frightened."   Let's see what that is.  But not before completing Handke's wonderful book.  Books.  Two journeys.  America and Serbia.  

Bela has canceled Rachel tomorrow so there goes my "day off."  Snow day today pretty good replacement for that.  Royal Date now on tv, let the tacky rom-holiday love stories roll on.  

Handke  I grew lazier  . . . my observations just happened, they flowed effortlessly from my life-feeling.  103

Tuesday, December 02, 2025

Snowing in both book and yard

Snowing now.  In Melancholy Lars is made to shovel snow in Gaustad Asylum.  December 2 Tuesday here.  "These uneducated lunatics can shovel snow . . . ."  They all throw snowballs at him.  I'm already on page 227 and I have not even looked up to see if Lars Hertevig was a real painter!!!  My goodness.  Feb 16, 1830 to Jan 6, 1902  His semi-fantasticalwork regarded as one of the peaks of Norwegian painting.  Not autistic but likely schizophrenic.  Christmas eve. page 235  It was Nov-Dec when they put me into Eugenia Memorial for a week or so.  Snowy weather when they drove me in the station wagon from Elkins Park out west toward the Main Line or so I figured.  Imagined the map perhaps.  So it was West but not as far as the Main Line.  

In 1967, the facility was known as 
Eugenia Hospital (not "Memorial Clinic") and was located in Lafayette Hill, Pennsylvania. The address at the time was likely near the current 660 Thomas Road location. 
Lafayette Hill is a community within the Philadelphia region, in Whitemarsh Township, Montgomery County. The hospital later closed, and investors planned to create senior housing at the site in the early 2000s. Another related entity, potentially a satellite or a different facility with a similar name, was also noted in Pottstown, PA, which is also now closed. 


Time has taught me

 that there's nothing as volatile as sorrow.  Antunes  233 

"an abbreviation of an abbreviation."  Handke 13  struggling to say he visited Serbia with two friends as translators because media accounts (did social media exist in the early 90s?) gives us only these pre-distilled distillations.  Must go back and edit the earlier post to take note that Cliff, the pro-Croatian student, spent a few years on the edge of the wars and finally decided in general disgust that both sides were indeed guilty of wretched behavior, terrible atrocities, war crimes etc of every sort.  

Sunday, November 30, 2025

Red Light Therapy

Anne mentioned this just at the end of her phone call.  Looked up some videos on youtube. 

Sent Dennis three secret tales, see what his response is.  Sally, Phil and Ken.  Got some Hyalouronic tablets, see it they help my thumbs.  

"And I can't look at Mr Winkelmann's eyes. I can't look at the black and white clothes that are moving toward me, then the clothes move away from me. " Fosse 128

If there is a time for everything (is that biblical in some way?) then is there a
time for releasing long held secrets after a suitable length of memory and loss? Release them from shoulders out into the ether? Is that the appeal I suppose of cold case stories in all the tv series?  I usually don't like those much anyway.  What is the point?  

Blustery and colder here but at least not gray.  Gray November  tires me out so much. 

S B.  She went out for a hike in the hills around Denver one day.  In her early 20s?  Not sure of that.  Car full of guys pulled up along side her.  They ook her off the trail and raped her.   She told me this while we drove home from a zen meditation retreat over in Woodstock NY we went to, Allen Ginsburg (with his fuckboy) the star.  He then looked like anyone's grandfather in a comfy wool cardigan.  Many of the people there had no idea who he was, had been.  Sally was wise enough to ask for a chair to use during the sitting meditations.  I tried to be full lotus and my knees fucking killed me.  It was at a Zen Mountain Monastery which had been created by some guru from Manhattan who had left wall street to go zen.  Chapel had been part of a former prep school, we slept on the old metal bunk beds in the dorms.  

PH.  He went to college down in PA.  Went down a week or so before classes started.  One day he was walking in the center of town back toward campus.  Car pulled up beside him, nice guy in a suit and fedora, offered him a ride to the college.  "In those days you did what yourl elders asked you to do."  Took him to a motel.  Tried to give him a blow job but Phil didn't respond.  Turned him over and fucked him.  Then drove him to campus, told him he had a nice ass.  Phil felt like it was written all over his face, that everyone who saw him could tell what had happened, would just know.  Had never known men did that to men. Retreated into shame for years on end.  

K L.  Few details about this.  K was traveling somewhere, stayed overnight.  Went to the bar next to the motel.  Got pretty drunk, talked to a guy.  They went back to his room and fell asleep.  In the middle of the night or next morning he felt sore and confused, realized, remembered, he had been raped.  Guy was gone in the morning.  

Was reading a book in which this passage showed up yesterday, maybe that was a sort of "trigger" as the youngsters like to say?  "A marine tells Handke a story about his homecoming in Red Wing, MN. "It was as if someone else were looking at the marine.  At the same time I felt offended that he had picked me to tell his story to.  Why was it that people always told me their stories? One look at me must have told them I wouldn't like it.  But that didn't prevent them from telling me the stupidest stories with perfect calm, as if they took it for granted that I'd listen with the ears of an accomplice." 

Did you go to a family feast for the holiday?  We had a pot pie from Moultonborough Farms.  It was so bad I went out yesterday and bought a frozen Marie Callendar one and we enjoyed that one much more.  So much for buy local. 

Keep praying to St Jude and some others that you will get your Signal to Move and hop on the train!!!  Fingers crossed too.  Must be one specific saint in the Lives who takes care of moving from town to town!  I know I'll ask ChatGPT.  Everyone is.  Dave laughed and said it gave him a perfect schedule of times and actions for when he needed to do what to get the meal on the table.  Of course, it says---St Joseph, and St Ann for moving house, and for finer details St Frances Xavier Cabrini or St John Baptist Scalabrini.  (Now his name sounds bogus, probably from Naples!!) 

Dennis had a perfect line in his reply:  But you and I both grew up where we were to deny our own selves to fit into the norm.

The Handke "forbidden" or "censored" book arrived and I am reading it immediately.  A Journey to the Rivers.  Journey through Serbia.  I had gotten the Croatian version years ago from our psu student who went over there, later came back to work in the refugee office in NY. His father Croatian who moved to NJ before the war.  He's the meatpacker who worked in the big plant that made all the hamburger for NYC for years.  The student a charming guy who brought a young woman back with him to save her from the war.  She was then a teenager.  They never married.  He has never married.  Did the blog about Croatian wine for a while, became a sommelier at night school and worked in a fancy spa in the Plaza hotel.  

Heavy gray skies this Sunday morning.  Snow today and then again on Tuesday.  
\"an abbreviation of an abbreviation."  Handke 13  struggling to say he visited Serbia with two friends as translators because media accounts (did social media exist in the early 90s?) gives us only these pre-distilled distillations.  Must go back and edit the earlier post to take note that Cliff, the pro-Croatian student, spent a few years on the edge of the wars and finally decided in general disgust that both sides were indeed guilty of wretched behavior, terrible atrocities, war crimes etc of every sort.  



Saturday, November 29, 2025

Friday

"My father is standing underwater and smoking his pipe."  Father in Fosse.  Father in Lentz.  Father in Antunes.  Father in Handke?  Father in Szalay? No.   AI says in Handke father absent, stepfather alcoholic and violent.  "Two Quakers in long black coats . . . " Handke. Quakers in both books.  Fosse first time ever read a book about Quakers?  for me.  Lars raised in Quaker household.  Father a Quaker.  Have flooded the house with books by both.  One Handke has great title, A Moment of True Feeling.  Yesterdays's dinner was so terrible, thanks to the moultonborough farms lame pot pie that Bela requests we do a repeat today using Mrs Callendars. She wanted Swansons turkey pot pie but that label does not show up in the stores around here, not even sure if it still exits.  Mrs C has come through in earlier years.  A marine tells Handke a story about his homecoming in Red Wing, MN. "It was as if someone else were looking at the marine.  At the same time I felt offended that he had picked me to tell his story to.  Why was it that people always told me their stories? One look at me must have told them I wouldn't like it.  But that didn't prevent them from telling me the stupidest stories with perfect calm, as if they took it for granted that I'd listen with the ears of an accomplice."  That last phrase is brilliant!!  Bought an extra remote for the upstairs bed, of course it won't pair.  Dumb.  Now I googled how to know which remote to order, which a smart person would have done beforehand.  Look at the numbers inside the remote you have that does work with the bed and order one of those with those same numbers!!  Duh.  Too much in a hurry.  Let's see if that will work.  New one might work in Abq.  Another good reason to have two wonderful houses.  "Can people see that among many gestures I always have to choose one?  And does that make them think I'm ready to accept every possible opinion?"  45 Short Letter "Maybe people can see at a glance that I'm the kind that puts up with anything . . . .  

Friday, November 28, 2025

balloon parade day

 Waitresses in both books.  Handke gripped by expectant happiness by glance from another woman in another time wonder if that was similar to joao reixa in chimera when we were in Lisbon.  Thanksgiving greetings on the family message chain, cousins, waiting to chat with our loves in an hour.  

Wednesday, November 26, 2025

to sap or not to sap

 text composed to send to Nancy's celebration upcoming Jan 25  

Nancy: Brilliant, radiant, magnetic catalyst for energy, warmth, comfort, laughter, beauty and people loving being with people.  So many great parties and adventures.  We have been so thankful for that wonderful trip after Virginia's event to Maui.  We met in Spain to wander castles in Castille and embrace the winds at the Manga del Mar Menor! Oxahaca revealed its wonders to us in her company.  Her design taste, her garden, her love of lights, textures, fabrics, woods and stones, colors, vistas.  Being with her lifted clouds, opened doorways.  She's gone before us once again, making lists we will attend to if we know what's good for us.  And thanks to her, we do.  

my predisposition to fear and panic  Handke  few pages in Marcus's intro to Short Letter, Long Farewell.Wandering forager day off.  Gray but warmer. Heavy gray. Fosse and Handke, back and forth and around.  Fish for lunch at cousin resto of Yamas.  their laughter pushes against my mouth we'll sit still wimbush does he mention Quakerism? surely but didn't notice now starting short letter "I seem to have been born for horror and fear." Handke's mother he says, the character says, suffered bouts of melancholy. Fosse's book entitled Melancholy.  Now I see how powerful he is.  During the night last night (day later than above) I recalled shooting and making a basket for the wrong team and being last to be chosen in the pick-up softball or baseball games.  The black and white curtains and fabrics and shades of anxiety, panic, shame.  The silence of the gymn crowd when the ball went through the hoop.  The never said anything about the shame or the laughter, no break in silence or social façades.  Silent sniggling, why don't you play outfield the side no hits ever come to if the ball comes at you catch it and throw if you get the ball dribble it and move toward the basket and shoot.  You made it.  It went through, not even a bounce. The wrong end of the court, the enemy's basket, not three or is it two or one point for us but for Them.  Shit.  What were you thinking, how why did you do that you fat dumb useless jerk.  Now I see what Fosse is doing, so far anyway.  Like Murnane but then not.  More like Handke.  Handke's book so far also superb.  Short Letter, his travel to the States.  Anxiety in how he notices and what.  Nice reassuring post from troy james weaver about Antunes, Midnight is Not in Everyone's Reach.  Just incredibly beautiful prose.  And style off the charts."  thanks for that Troy.  Repost.  Didn't know that Agamben espouses "inoperativity" passivity as antidote to West's power psychosis.  More books arrived.  Well stocked for now on Handke and Fosse.  Even a second copy, oh dear, of Short Letter.  Bought a tiny pumpkin pie impulse buy with two cans of sparkling energy for tomorrow to replace coffee! Yikes, what a thought.  Had one on Tuesday and liked the steady energy all day long even though I kept me awake during the night.  Bit like that coffee that  takes out the caffeine and adds the paraxathyne.  The new techies are trying to add context to caffeine to smooth out the energy flows, soften down the spikes.  Now watching Piste Noir.  French tv production companies have gotten better.  Shorter episodes, punchier scripts, beautiful younger people.  Searching now for dark brown Nike hoodie to finish Bela's new brown outfit.  Gave $300 to Mid-State Health, first time.  No more donations to the NH Music Festival.  We came back in July and Bela didn't miss it or even wonder about it.  Donated to Winnepesaukee Theater too.  British podcast on veganism, debate about full counts and all about amino acids---patterns are not missing, craze for high protein these days.  Mainstream narrative says plants are inferior, proof that they are not.  Christopher Gardner.  Stanford nutritionist.  Vegans are being conned by protein bar, protein powder marketing, hyper marketing.  Long phone call with Anne earlier this evening.  Mark and Bridgit moved to LA a few weeks ago.  Movie making has slowed in NO.  Paul out of work, Greg looking for work.  Basile cooking for tomorrow, turkey but he also bought a ham.  Ham somehow big these days.  Basile and Anne now doing Red Light therapy.  His eye doctor got them interested in it.  

Tuesday, November 25, 2025

Dream of fair to middling

Had never thought of them that way, as tears, those power droplets puts a whole new attitude on them toward them another relief after so many years from another perspective by incongruity although these tears not so incongruous body based body release wet out water fluid burst forth from flesh flesh that book might have marked before I knew it the end of that flesh chapter could see it as so hindsight now this morning via apple news an item in gq Britain giving us permission to readmit Fosse even though he converted to rome conversion being the key and tag for remembering how all mystics need the floor or dome or both of cave, mountain, island, boat, garden, farm in which to settle center rest sink burke in western nj farm merton in church for beckett living on rue vaugirard writing in French gave him a variant of conversion to rome that worked Josiah Gogarty has been a regular GQ writer since 2024, and covers a mix of music, books and lifestyle. He has an MA in magazine journalism from City, University of London, and previously worked at The Knowledge, an email news digest. Away from GQ, he's written for the likes of The New StatesmanUnHerdProspectMonocle and The Londoner. Away from journalism, he can often be found running, reading weird European novels, and procrastinating over finally moving out of his parents' house in west London T his might sound exhausting, but Fosse’s style is actually one of the most accessible and powerful reading experiences contemporary literature can give you. The lack of sentences, the rolling commas, the filler words and phrases like “yes”, “no”, “I think” and “that’s just how it is” – it hypnotises you. It’s like gazing into a dancing fire or being towed along by an Atlantic Ocean current. It’s so engrossing, in fact, that I reckon it can compete with the main hypnotising force in our lives: our smartphones. Modern discourse How can you get through a doorstopper Victorian novel if you’re checking TikTok every six pages? Fosse’s writing helps with this because, in a funny way, it’s a bit like TikTok. Social media today is an infinite scroll of content with neither beginning nor end; you just submerge, and time melts away. There is no equivalent of a full stop. Fosse, of course, doesn’t use full stops either. His writing is the literary equivalent of an endless online feed – but after reading it you feel vaguely at peace, rather than feeling the exhausted anxiety that comes from a fit of doomscrolling. My attention span isn’t terrible, but I still tend to check my phone between a regular novel’s chapters. Fosse absorbs me in that all-consuming way I used to gorge on fantasy novels as a kid.  A recent piece in The New Statesman suggests that Fosse is interesting because he is “deliberately indifferent to the thematic” in a literary world obsessed with a book’s subject matter being “timely” and “relevant”. It’s true: Fosse’s subject matter isn’t timely or relevant. His characters tend to be thinking about the most mundane things or the biggest things, like God and death. But his style is timely and relevant. Fosse’s endless flow is an unlikely but compelling companion to the scrolling era. The writer of our age might not be a trendy Zoomer living in London or New York after all, but a boomer Norwegian, shut away in a little house in Oslo. so indeed here is our quietist par excellence this from the new statesman piece by Amit Chauduri Jon Fosse, a novelist and a playwright and one of Norway’s best-known living writers, was born into a family of Quakers and Pietists in 1959. This religious formation is important for Fosse. At the age of seven, he had an accident that resulted in a near-death experience whose qualities – luminosity and a sense of peace – are in part responsible, Fosse has said, for his being a writer. But surely his sense of what those qualities were arises, retrospectively, from the kind of writer he is. His 2023 Nobel Prize citation borrowed from this vocabulary – to do with what hovers on the edge of life – and called him a writer of the “unsayable”. His new novel, Vaim, is about absurd, life-changing volte-faces as well as life’s calm sameness. In it, one of the characters, Frank, after having been drawn casually into a complete realignment of his existence, feels as his boat moves forward that “a kind of peace comes over everything”. The phrase again raises the question: what kind of writer is Fosse? now here Chauduri really gets to the inner fire the quiet stream of tranquillity Tranquillity Acres was a house we could have rented when we first moved here to NH It’s not the Nobel that’s of interest here, but a kind of writing that, from the romanticism of the 19th century onwards, constituted a subterranean stream in cultures dominated by the Enlightenment, and which made the literary such an inexplicable but powerful category in the modern world. One characteristic of this stream is an obsession with what another Nobel laureate, the Indian poet Rabindranath Tagore, called the anavashyak, or the “unnecessary” or “superfluous”. It’s a way of thinking that is deliberately indifferent to the thematic. When the filmmaker Satyajit Ray said that some of the worst films have been made on the noblest of themes, he was speaking from the heart of this tradition. The stream seems to have dried up in the time of globalisation, not least because of the monetisation of the thematic, the “relevant” and the representational by publishing houses and the role these categories have played in the new morality of today’s sociologically driven humanities. But a counter-movement has been at work, in which Fitzcarraldo has played a significant role, restating literature’s oddity while downplaying what’s so important about it to the mainstream – its moral temper and cheerleading capacities. Chauduri is right on it osse, in his various observations about writing, is keen not so much to escape the label of autofiction as the way the word privileges confession. He seems to see Ernaux in these terms. His caveat against subjectivity, in his Nobel lecture – “In any case, I have certainly never written to express myself, as they say. Rather it was to get away from myself” – is not that far away from Ernaux’s ambivalence about the self’s authority. Fosse’s words are almost a contemporary version of TS Eliot’s reminder to his readers: “Poetry is not a turning loose of emotion, but an escape from emotion; it is not the expression of personality, but an escape from personality.” Eliot is arguing for what he calls “significant emotion, emotion which has its life in the poem and not in the history of the poet”. This genealogy is where autofiction, the personal essay and the misfit writing of the last two decades should be placed. The practice of impersonality, which Eliot theorised in 1919, was perhaps dependent on Europe’s encounter, from the 18th century onwards, with non-representational traditions from Asia and Africa: it’s from here that, to a great extent, what’s strange and compelling about modernism gets its resources. Eliot’s understanding of the self was deeply formed by his readings of Buddhist and Upanishadic texts. Fosse mentions Beckett, Kafka, Woolf and the Bible among the works and authors that were formative for him. But the writers he cites all emerged in the aftermath of, and were the progeny of, this non-representational turn. The Bible by itself could never have caused the turn to occur. The “unsayable” in Fosse’s work, his novels’ abandoning of “message” (his word), is part of a longer subterranean intercultural itinerary than any idea of “Europe” can contain. To see autofiction or the contemporary essay as a purely European efflorescence misses its genealogy. To the Man Booker International Prize we owe, through its recognition of the likes of Ernaux and Fosse, our awareness of the emergence of a counter-tradition. But it’s an emergence that, for us, is inadvertently European. The new European novel comes to stand for the “genre-defying”; the Indian winners of the Man Booker International Prize, say, continue to stand for India.Vaim is a 116-page novel in three sections. Brevity is one measure any counter-tradition might adopt to resist the realist or global novel’s large representational claims. Some of Ernaux’s books, for instance, seem to be between 5,000 and 30,000 words. This, too, has a genealogy in both publishing and fiction-writing. It’s only in the Anglophone world that the novel needs to exemplify the “fully formed”. For more than 100 years now, relatively tiny works have been published in Bengali, Japanese, French, Spanish, German and more as full-length books. It’s always a delight to hold such a seemingly slight volume in one’s hands, and you have to be grateful that Fitzcarraldo gives us the opportunity to experience this deceptive slightness. There is Woolf once more I supposed in duty bound I should finish Orlando just to honor all of these who bow to her and indeed note how much more influence she is having versus joyce even perhaps in Beckett because he most of all had to find a way out from under joyce professor chauduri at least a generation older than gogarty with this literary activism web site and conference in India The fifth symposium in the UEA ‘literary activism’ series took place on 14–15 February 2020 in partnership with Ashoka University at the India International Centre, New Delhi. What is it that draws us to failing? We might not consciously want to fail, but, if we’re engaged in creative practice, might unconsciously develop, over time, measures to protect ourselves from what Pound called ‘SINGLE AND UNIQUE SUCCESS’. The free market, in the last twenty-five years, might have exhibited to us the importance of success—that success is not good fortune or a reward for accomplishment, but basic survival—and we might conspire to succeed only to a degree that’s necessary for us to fail: because we know that it’s only by failing that we can produce viable work, and only by succeeding to some extent that we can have the freedom to be non-viable. Failure has not only no dignity in the post-free market world we inhabit; it has no legitimacy, no vocabulary for selfappraisal. There are no actual ‘alternative spaces’ in the free market. Where do we locate ourselves, then, if we’re to speak about ‘failing’? For millennia we learnt from failure, and from failures: what do we make of that antithetical way of estimating significance? Various conceptions of form have, across cultures, embodied the liberations of failing: synecdoche; the image; metaphor—all these arise from a preferred inability to represent fully. Failure creates immediacy. This symposium asks participants to account for the attractions specific to failing; for why, and how, it awakens our desire; why it is taboo today in a way quite different from the by-no-means unbroken era before the market; and to reassess this history. Monday and it feels at once like thanksgiving, the week of, the quiet before anticipation of save the date message for celebration for Nancy jan 25 details later George sent his AI dialogue about their turkey roasting gathering yesterday we were dropped out of the thanksgiving get together so many years ago 55th says George maybe we went one or two or three times when they lived in the gray sears roebuck house but when they moved up to the pasture might be when they stopped asking us for the turkey day gathering could be the table was too small or they wanted to have only two or four guests instead of six plus them anyway another quiet mystery by the board no tears shed any longer for such slights and yet they remember themselves in spite of years put my finger on a key experience during the middle of the night st michaels camp when I was 10-12? the man who instructed us in swimming points we got into the cold deep creek lake water he stood on the dock was he in his forties or fifties a veteran perhaps tough soft in that post-war way muscular he swam lots hairy kinda ugly but not too much balding or buzzed cut worried we would keep our bathing suits on too long after our swim and catch a cold especially a cold in the groin something I'd never known about or considered he did not wear boxer bathing suit but a black was it knit with shorter legs like a heavy underwear not trunks watched him when he gave us the breathing and kicking and swimming tips american chopped suey on the stove defrosting from the fans store misnomer or old army? joke comer even racist sorta? looks like chile with Mac rather than beans put two veggie burgers into it to add beans corn and rice in small quantity does Antunes belong to the stream literary that chauduri describes surely so The breakthroughs of misfit writing arise not from a restatement of subjectivity, but the opposite: a questioning of the authority of the subjective voice, and a consequent freeing up of language, form and worldly objects. Rabindranath Tagore, called the anavashyak, or the “unnecessary” or “superfluous”. It’s a way of thinking that is deliberately indifferent to the thematic. When the filmmaker Satyajit Ray said that some of the worst films have been made on the noblest of themes, he was speaking from the heart of this tradition. The stream seems to have dried up in the time of globalisation, not least because of the monetisation of the thematic, the “relevant” and the representational by publishing houses and the role these categories have played in the new morality of today’s sociologically driven humanities. But a counter-movement has been at work, in which Fitzcarraldo has played a significant role, restating literature’s oddity while downplaying what’s so important about it to the mainstream – its moral temper and cheerleading capacities. have tried harder to drink more water to head off the morning headache but it is still here even more water and perhaps some movement around the house Bela wants me to switch the front door wreaths from harvest to holiday That army swimmer man may have been named Mike. Went outside yesterday to take a photo some photos of the huge bare oak tree must be 70+ years old yard covered with thousands of acorns later saw a tick on the kitchen floor must have dropped off my pant leg glad that was all Bela sleeping most of the morning in her chair took zyrtec last night always konks her out Wimbush conclusion Orwell on miller's cancer belly of the whale womb tomb Gide's integrity. of incoherence oh god hope Bannon didn't throw such around our clown still wimbushs title term term is the thesis still going on surprise exasperation dennis's dad wanting to die he that can suffer well shall find the most peace from Imitatio of Kempis last line wimpish gives his book thus we conclude our autumnal research conference settling Beckett's hash once more now handke and fosse forward bye bye to orlando alas perhaps today Hans gude will look at my painting lars hertervig dennis sent more of his text but will I read it? I like the character being a painter I did some painting so in my egotism I can imagine being that painter with his beloved helene and the teacher named kressy or no it is gude thank goodness I turned off auto correct he's now 66 literary movement minimalist younger sister His conversion to Catholicism helped Fosse in his effort to stop drinking. Fosse practices solitude by keeping away from noises, never watching television or listening to radio, and rarely listening to music. In his pursuit of solitude, Fosse sees writing as a confession and a prayer married three times compare contrast with murnane obvious partners in the zeitgeist murnane might be better or more extreme crazier or less drunken but that is not fair and what of antunes too much war there in the background we no longer want background doom scrolling makes us crave endless something else nonstop alter consciousness should I worry about bela she is sleeping the day away did she not sleep last night silver soft gray day gray sky outside not cold but gray chill gray light no fog or mist but there might as well be it feels so gray and hyper quiet my purple velvet suit I am calm calm like I've never been before