Saturday

The mistaken Garvee chair happens to work quite well.  Rick Evans called yesterday afternoon; good to talk with him and I think we will go with him to his new set-up.  Apparently lots of former tiaa people who want a leaner operation and return to the personal approach they were trained in years ago.  Very happy he seems to want to continue with us as clients (friends!).  Over the last year or two he has been assigned between 400-700 families to look after!  Co says they have trouble finding qualified people especially in this upper NE location.  Wonder if he will say any more about that.  He is a little guarded in what he says because of the regulations in the industry about moving around and client and company security restrictions.  Hope it will work for us to join him and this new venture.  And that it will be safe!  As safe as tiaa has always been?  How can they guarantee that??  

Short video chat with PT yesterday evening.  Had forgotten they came up to be with us when Bela had her first valve procedure seven years ago.  She added that Chris has moved back into the house with Astrid and her mother, Danni, for financial reasons.  Too much to pay for two households, even on Chris's tech income.  He works from home; she works at the beauty salon.  Astrid in school.  

Message from Dave, he wants a face visit today.  Anxious to hear how it is all going for him.  What the family is doing.  

Those book booster nerds on X never hinted, that I recall, that Moresco's first volume features a seminarian as our hero-observer-narrator.  I enjoy that much because the details every now and then do remind me powerfully of the three brotherly years I spent--away from the world.  In fact our roller skating narrator is much more free, able to come and go it seems between seminary and home villa.  

Cool day again but gloriously sunny.  Black flies in the house going crazy.  One approach I just ordered from amazon places sticky panels in the corners of windows so I look forward to seeing if that will work since the flies do stay on the big windows, most of them.  Just pulled the big drape to keep them there.  

Pausing to see if my cortisol levels are good.  Have to look up the chat about the vargas nerve.  Not the right spelling.  

ok sympathetic is fight or flight system (heard about that in college psych); parasympathetic is rest and digest!  

Bela said earlier she was planning lots of things.  Mind racing ahead just as mine has been--all week?  David will come here and live with us; kids will go to college here and Dave will teach here!  Ha!  well, about as realistic as my racings are too.  

Vagus nerver not vargas, but close.  Vagus and sciatic, two largest nerve stems in us.  

Biggest question facing me now is whether on Tuesday I should go up to Owl's Nest for lunch and scope out the set up for the massage scheduled there in three weeks for Bela.  Why not?  Other options are pretty usual and not pressing.  At the moment.  You never know.  Still have not found the fly swatter!

Next pressing item is to put the new green plastic table cloth on this table!  Found the flyswatter; under the pile of papers on the table!

We have two Aho catalogs, or rather, books.  Rizzoli.  Peak of his career.  Certified and collected.  Looks like he has had about ten serious collectors buying his works.  Pretty darn good.  Aho moved to Hudson, NH in 1974.  He was born in 1966 in Melrose, MA.  His father worked for the Boston and Maine RR; first generation in US, he parents moved to MA from Finland.  Must have moved here in 1940ish.  So Aho himself is first generation son of immigrants.  Same generation as Catherine Taylor??  "Catherine Taylor (born 1964) received a BA from the College Scholar Program at Cornell University, studied Classics at Somerville College at the University of Oxford, and earned a PhD in English from Duke University. The author of You, Me, and the Violence, Apart, and Giving Birth, she is also a founding editor of Essay Press, and associate professor in writing and co-director of the Image Text MFA at Ithaca College and of ITI Press."

So Aho is two years younger than Catherine!!

The new table cloth is a wee short but looks so fresh and lovely.  Now to smooth out the folds and wrinkles over the next two years.  Will we eventually sell Casa Alegre?  Will we even go there this winter?  When will the valve procedure take place?  Can we get it done at Hanover?  

Dave called and talked for a good forty minutes.  While he was walking home I kept noticing beautiful details on the buildings behind him and the bright sunny sky.  His birthday is coming up.  He and C have not told the kids yet about the separation.  He sleeps in the living room sofa "because of his snoring."  They are negotiating point by point how to do the next steps.  He realized she had been looking through his phone the other night while he was asleep.  C thought it could be moved along quickly by having him start to live at some other location.  He wants to do things more slowly.  So, he is a musician and one note after the other would make sense.  Realize how different we are and how little I really know him.  He sees C as overly emotional about everything.  She has been talking with a counselor for years, not a professional therapist, it seems.  When C's mother died this counselor said, Oh, grief, I do not do grief.  Big help there! C's problems with her mother go way back, don't know the details.  Is Dave an alcoholic?  On our side of the discussions, no one has raised that question, that I know of.  Is he the Golden Boy?  According to his song he is.  He surveyed his past year's behavior and asked ChatgPT how long he had been away from the house on late night gigs and job duties (rock u etc) and Chat said pretty much average, not excessive at all.  

We chatted with the kids too.  They already look three months older more than one month older.  Both liking school and teachers.  Eliot the only one in his Spanish class to give correct answers and earned some green points for it.  Emma very keen on her roles in drama class, both this year and projected into next year.  

David did consult some free legal clinic help and I think that did help him think about things in that regard.  They want to avoid going before a judge at all cost, so they have to try to agree and work things out.  

I can't see how he will manage to stay in the apartment for much longer, really.  But perhaps money will insist that they do, that and the concern about avoiding legal process.  They have their marriage therapist and D his private therapist.  I was tempted to text him and suggest he find a way to insist that C get a real therapist to replace her long-time confidante counselor.  But I think I should stay out.  

Unsuccessful at finding a fly bait trap at walmart.  That section emptied out completely so looks like everyone is having pest troubles.  Chat says close all window shades and open one bright window and the flies will go outside, they are drawn to light.  I've opened the front and back doors!!

cortisol

 cortisol became a thing around 2023-2025 through social media hype

Opt for a small piece of dark chocolate

Colin caught up with us, had lunch, and then they played the piano.  He gave us his variant on cortisol obsession, talking about his stress patterns, the vagus nerve, some other terms.  Made me recall all my readings in diet and health over the years---Ayervedic food theory, etc.  

Advisor from TIAA in Hanover called to tell us Rick Evans has left and joined a "boutique" financial service called TenuredAdvisors.  Looked them up.  One guy is from Bates, Rick is UVa, other advisors from TIAA.  Their whole world shifting because higher ed not what it once was even among the elites but with office in Portsmouth and Essex, VT you can see they are poised to help the tenured private elite, oh, and physicians.  I liked him and now I realize what his phone call was about a few weeks ago---he was bidding us hail and farewell as much as he could, legally, without saying so directly.  He said tiaa could not find enough staff and he was loaded down with way too many clients.  Suspect AI doing things to all these worlds too.  Fill out the questionnaire, we run the numbers and manage with AI your account as does now some huge percentage of the market.  With all of our other changes it feels like all the tectonic plates are shifting at once.  Everywhere in our western world.  

Managed long "fast" night and morning.  Bela got a short walk in at Walmart in spite of my hovering.  Doug and Patsy are getting married!  They guess they've been together now about 17-18 years.   His wife died in 2006 or 2007 

Phillips sent great letter about cruise and valve dangers.  Filed a claim with Allianz.  See what we get back.   The new Garvee rolling chair is much better than I'd expected, fits into the bathroom, sturdier and better quality.  Whew.  

Cortisol is a stress hormone.  Discovered in 1937. Tadeus Reichstein, Polish-Swiss.  Nobel prize for it in 1950 with two other scientists.  

Aho's catalog arrived.  Not opened yet.  Novel by Priestly, guess Nicholas mentioned it, favorite novel of Jung's!!  Not intrigued enough, at the moment.  But it is here.  Waiting more for the Disappearers.  Jamaican-American writer.  Black and queer, teaching now in Minneapolis.  When did that city become a hot magnet for excitement?  Should I subscribe to the Washington Sun?  Founder of Politico started it.  Journos who got fired from the Post.  Shift just "like" advisors leaving TIAA.  

Friday morning 

onward through Moresco 

Rick would work out of the Queechee office.  I sent in a query to see what response I might get.  

bonfire birth

In Moresco they light the huge bonfire, cats drag flaming bits of entrail away into the woods, Turquoise goes into labor beside the fire, they take her into the villa

Doug McLane outside about an hour ago taking photos of a new crop of mushrooms sprouted on the front lawn, opposite the driveway across the way and I wonder if they arrived in the hood amidst the logs that Ian has in front of his house every year where I cuts and splits them into firewood.  

Bela having a good time on the piano.  A pt session with Joel today; four more booked over the next two weeks.  He's suggesting she get a hemi-walker for use in the house for more stability on her feet. She wants to walk with the cart at walmart.  

Carry away mind-imagination tries to picture the valve procedure taking place once again at cmc or at dhmc.  Pros and cons with each place; why should I care.  Judith gave her testimonial about going nowhere but dhmc.  Think she survived breast cancer under their care.  She and Jim explained that they both get full coverage for all medical there under the public assistance program of the hospital.  I had no idea such existed and very glad for them that it does.  They have to show all of their financial records.  Oh, it operates through state medicare coverage.  

one ranking includes dhmc in 100 great hospitals in the country   cmc ranked 2 in NH but not ranked nationally  

bought the baby bean stannah on the back stairs

chatted with Seamus; they go to Hawaii for two months on Oct 7 

our seminarian rides a bike with rollerskates strapped to his feet 

turning on one's axis, turning on their axes, rooms turn on axes--spinning, rolling, turning  

5 pm

 5:16 exactly.  Bela dozing again.  New episodes of Sommerdahl not gripping us.  Today's early medical visit upset us in lots of ways.  Our lives are so quiet we are more fragile to changes and disconcerting disruptions.  All of which seem to go along with, be exacerbated by, events at the upper, larger scale of things.  Mid-term elections, family divorce rumblings.  And now this valve procedure seven years after the first one.  Grateful we are as we should be for the seven years after the first.  Why not as grateful for the prospect of having to do it once more with the hope of another good seven years?  The lifelong sense that doctors know what they are doing and know what to do becomes shakier.  They clearly are under great stress as well.  Big signs in every Speare location now about how anger and disruptive behavior will not be tolerated.  Do they use that phrase?  Not exactly, have to look again.  But it seems misguided to have such a big mini-billboard.  Perhaps it constitutes legal covering of issues.  Psychologically, though, does it do the good meant to do?  Does it help?  How to know.  

Reminder to self.  Chill.  Ignore your desire to have a say in what will happen next.  Can you help by seeking advice from others about where to go for this procedure?  Are you sure you want, or "want", DHMC?  Thought that place gave you the creeps?  More or less than CMC?  If the medical teams have set things up this way, who are you to demur or second-guess, or assume a so-called consumer reports stance from which to make a "more informed" judgment?  TV news spots like "Cost of Denial" does not help either.  Sarah says Dr K would favor DHMC over Concord, but would he also do so against CMC?  Should I call him and ask?  Would it be ethical for him to give me his opinion?  And why would I take his opinion over the doctors we work with now?  I might as well get involved in advising D and C's therapists over in Paris.  

I have this wonderful, huge Italian novel to bury my cares deep within.  Focus on those words, those clouds and wisps of meaning and non-meaning.  Clouds rolling over the landscape.  The gentle roll of the dryer tumbling the sheets and towels.  

back from Avery place

 Early morning visit to cardio office of Speare on Avery Street.  The doctor saw us two years ago.  The office was in total chaos because their wifi and computers were not functioning properly.  He asked if Va was ok and she said yes and he said ok great.  We had to point out to him that there was a recent cardiogram that he had not seen.  

now all a fluxmoxed about where to go and what to do --- 

The Type of Valve Disease: If you need a mitral valve repair and are looking for a robotic, minimally invasive option that avoids opening the breastbone, DHMC is currently the primary provider of this specific technology north of Boston. If you are a candidate for a catheter-based aortic replacement (TAVR), CMC's New England Heart & Vascular Institute is one of the busiest and most experienced programs in the region. [1, 2, 3, 4]

Second Opinions: Because your surgical eligibility depends entirely on your unique anatomy and overall health, getting a consultation at both clinics is highly recommended. You can coordinate a consultation through the CSofNE Valve Procedures Team or schedule an appointment with the DHMC Heart and Vascular Center. [1, 2, 3, 4]   

now all a fluxmoxed about where to go and what to do --- can see how it comes down to hunches about "cultural behaviors" as much as anything---

grasping for quotations

 Labor Day

"The land seeks deep inside each person so as to gather together all their dreams.  Yes, we could say that life is the seamstress of dreams."  190 in Sleepwalking Land

a link there, the land, the earth, back to Handke's geologies and walking.  

miraginations   mirages  

Darlene stopped, bringing a small pot of yellow mums to cheer us up over the vanishing of our cruise dreams.  She also told of Joan Berstrom's terrible fall on her steps in the blueberry hill apartments a few days or weeks ago.  Broken bones; now in a rehab center in Milford.  Her son looking in, perhaps will care for her further.  

"Giddified, existentially retarded, she went on turning and twirling, moaning  all the while."  201

the notebooks  "Blown by a wind born not from the air but from the ground itself, the sheets scatter along the road.  Then, one by one, the letters turn into grains of sand, and little by little, all my writings are transformed into pages of earth."   

last passage, the end, beautiful image, incredible sadness  12:35 pm  

653 "it's strangely relaxing, isn't it?"   Max Lawton discussing The Beginnings  on page 653 of the book

back to it   out of Africa Mozambique   

Catholic vs Protestant schools of Translation!!  who knew??? 

booking the cruise expanded mind and imagination across the map, at the same time our daily lives contracted more and more over the past few weeks and months, even while the kids were here, working through their routines and dramas,  Ours were contracting and now with diagnosis hinted and about to arrive tomorrow morning we can even wonder of the contricted aorta, its valve, has brought the constriction, if our daily routines respond to it as to weather movements.  The air outside this evening, right now and all day, has been that splendid dry forest mountain cold air from the north, early September tasting already of early October.  

Going back to Moresco from Couto feels a similar expansion after contraction.  Couto packed enormous desperation into a slim line of anecdotes, tales, short scenes, compressed allusions, symbols, mythic echos.  The wars he was surviving so horrendous as to be beyond words of any kind.  Moresco has all the time in the world, all the space, vast canvas upon which to slowly trace figures and letters.  strangely relaxing is indeed correct, strangely so.  Trauma tightens, Couto, binds; ecstasy releases in preparation for song, endless song.  

holiday ritual weekend

 Yesterday straight out of previous templates.  Visit to Tracy at Refresh and then drove over to Gusto's. Labor Day weekend traffic everywhere; holiday clusters of end-of-summer people everywhere.  We got a table at once, in front of the pastry case.  Same as last year.  Same as how many years before.  Paninis and salad.  We had phoned ahead to reserve a fruit tart.  The blonde woman with accent---British? New Zealand?--said they never listen to phone messages.  We got one of the few remaining strawberry bengnes. Back home for naps.  Bela finished the Mexican soap after GH.  In the evening we watched a German thriller filmed, beautifully, in Mallorca; terrible acting but beautiful young people.  About a land selling scam.  

Bela on the piano now; about noon.  Note on twitter about long awaited new book by Donald Antrim.  Totally missed his career; over fifty electroshock treatments for long struggle with suicide.  Brown, tons of accolades including genius grant.  DFW, bud, assured him electroshock ok, helpful.  DFW did the job two years later.  Antrim has survived, written about it lots.  Brilliantly many have said, but I'm not going to look up his books.  Reviewer in the London tablet? said the medicalization of suicide still does not satisfy more than what art, philosophy and spirituality have said about it over the centuries.  Another too easy take?  Or what we are left with, no matter what we try to say.   Case in point:  continuing to read Cuoto's Sleepwalking Land.  Crazed, grim, astonishing journey of tales and people; after devastation, unspeakable violence, how to people go on?  

Meanwhile Matt K. Parker loves Stig Dagerman's Island of the Doomed.  Also loved Max Blecher's Adventures in Immediate Reality.  

Earlier Bela had Siri play David's song If You Break My Heart.  A sad song now; when composed I guess it was playful, joking, loving ironic musical indulgence, but in the current state of dissolution it feels prophetic about inevitable fissures under the surface.

So much energy invested in imagining every details of the cruise, worrying about it, anticipating it, wondering how it would have gone, now a sense of deep grief, the air popped out of the balloon, the shrinking of possibilities, expansiveness contracted, erased, ceased, like a death.  

Looking forward now only to more tests and talks with medical personnel.  And daily bread and cacao.  

No word from Doug and I'm shy about calling him to ask how Patsy is doing; probably holding steady and finding out how blank holiday weekends at rehab places can be.  No car in the driveway, I guess Doug is staying down there for a few days.  

12:30  trying to rain; heavy, dark clouds over the house.   I ordered the 12" wide Garvee aisle chair; surely it will be too narrow!!  Should I order the 16" one and hope to return the first when it arrives---without opening it; or open it and see and then try to send it back.  

decision day

Thursday 3 September

On the way home from walmart to buy miniature toiletries for the trip, took a call from MidState, Danielle saying since Dr Philips is away this week, my message asking about our trip went to Dr Fagan and he advises we not take the trip.  I had Danielle call us back twenty minutes later so Bela could hear the whole report and advice for herself.  We had lunch and talked it over a bit and decided to cancel the trip.  

Feeling now a few hours, and GH, later, a strange mix of relief and sadness and new worry about the report that her aortic valve has a new, severe restriction.  Dr Fagan indicated that was the primary concern in the decision to recommend travel.  Now some fear about whether a second heart valve procedure will take place and how well Bela will recover from it.  

DNMC just called to cancel the MRI scheduled for Saturday.  They want to dig into the history of the shunt before proceeding.  

Volvo Lebanon called earlier to explain the tech found a glitch in the software update involving the module for the brake, the emergency brake, so they have to order new parts and it will be a while until they get the fix for that.  

Who else called today?  Seems like someone else.  I canceled  the delta tickets and the full refund there will pay for the new HVAC in ABQ.   Yes, Juan had called early in the morning to say they were heading off to install all of that at 3601.  

Cool and rainy day, overcast.  Drizzle a bit when I was out to the store.  

6:51 pm  Juan just called.  Installation complete.  Gave him card number over the phone.  

No message from Lisa, don't know if they drove over or not.  

Well, with the trip off, am I now able to relax a bit more and not stress about it, which I have been doing these past few months whether I admitted it or realized it fully or not.  Didn't I keep brushing off the worries, trying to ignore them, face them down, chill them out with meditation.  And Aswaganda, etc.  Cacao.  

Relief too to have the MRI canceled at DHMC for Saturday.  Though they will reschedule.  

Main worry, then, is the meeting with Dr Flynn on Tuesday and his recommendations.  Also Dave and his future weeks, months, and years.  Bela's health.  Winter.  Air Travel at all??  going to Abq out?? 

Will we have a whole winter here after all?  Plant-based cuisine will save us.  

Mexican serial about love now on.  

George had a large article on the Dems in the Concord Monitor.  He sees his new career as "AI Prompter."

Dick Mertens wrote back that it is a great article!   Phil thinks it applies to all parties these days.  

so now we have all these cute little things to use up;  Rachel can use them at the pool 

watched the youtube about the vegan twin study; found out it was a hit on netflix in a longer form 

I wondered to myself if Dr Fagan when pondering our request and reviewing info about Va considered also my request for an MRI to investigate my persistent headache problem.  Most likely a little bit.  But I have no idea how doctors think about things.  

Read a little bit in Sleepwalking when the pianists were playing.  A shocking scene where the boy is raped by some dancing old women.  Tuahir later explained it as some ritual that had been interrupted and so made up for; he comforted the boy.