446

 Thursday 15 Oct

now on 446  back to being dumbfoundedly admiring of this monster of a book; a grandest of operas by great diva queen of queens writer who, yes, is getting himself into the pantheon of the books he has read, he has read them all, Genet, well, gee, no mention of either Gide or Bataille, so . . . hmm  Now in the second to last section, covering fifty years of the main guy's life through letters to his friend and pimp? Mark.  surely pimp is metaphorical, mm  

gorgeous day, sun and golden leaves in breeze.  day after, no two days after our trip to cmc for the cat scan

going to meet Gigi for lunch at yamas, both of us looking forward to the dry lamb kebab pita 

still a gorgeous afternoon   great lunch, Gigi in fine form.  Paul was 22nd member of his family to attend Bowdoin College---something like that.  On his father's side a shoe factory, on his mother's side a textile mill.  Maine aristocracy.  Who knew?  

Nice sense of relief in the book to finally have Havelock Titus telling us the full story in his best queen british jamaican letter writing prose.  Did James "get that" from Antunes?  No.  Faulkner?  anyone else; sometime others have done it but no matter.  James at the peak of his powers and in full command of the work of genius coming forth from his loins.  

made it

down to cmc and back yesterday in the rain and fog; place looked so empty and quiet.  Woman talking loudly in the hallway to friend on her phone filled me in.  cmc bought a year ago by hca, largest chain of hospitals in the world; hdqtrs in Nashville.   Bela inside about half an hour and they took her early.  Valet parking worked fine.  All smooth.  Back for lunch by 2 or so.  Still---strong ptsd depression reaction in me.  Wanted to be in dhmc instead, snobbery for sure.  Probably would have had same reactions.  Hospitals anywhere everywhere.  Whole process.  I texted Sarah that if it were moi I would shift the process to dhmc; snobbery no doubt but the patient must be comfortable.  Ok, when will Gilani telephone us with results and his suggestions and recommendations?  Week?  Will there be a procedure at all?  When?  Meanwhile?  

Spent twenty minutes figuring out again, each month, how to pag nm gas bill.  That co also just bought; will it change the online payment and terrible web site?  

Nothing scheduled today.  Hooray.  Launder sheets; wear cool new vest from 32 bar blues.  Mail in the absentee ballots.  Read more of Disappearers.  Trying not to react against it.  Meaning I'm about two-thirds through; do I always tire of a big book at this point?  Is my admiration for it still as strong as at the start?  It is remarkable and amazing and as so many have said "visceral" as well as much else.  Dissertation wars will figure the queers against the post-colonialists, all about Jamaica and the Brits, the native and the empire.  We watched a few episodes of The Jewel in the Crown.  Jamaica was never the jewel but it must have been a good cash cow for a good while.  Could look up a quick history.  Richest island in the Caribe?  

the hardback book just too heavy, give me neck ache gotta get it over with on page 375  yes tired of Jordan Brown and the book; it be too long, gonna say it, neh matta how uncool that be to say such shit when new yorker said it equal to ulysses or some'n like dat 

no not Ellison, James makes clear enough, Toni Morrison, so then, Ellison through Morrison, 

students ever

 Bela wrote about two French movies we loved the other night:  Etudiante and Marguarite's Theorem, even though it was about higher math.  "These films reminded Bob and me of our work on our doctoral dissertations:    Countless hours of work:reading ;researching;discussions with advisors;writing and endless rewriting of texts;  FIniSHING dissertations;defending them and then publishing papers. We wrote on our favorite subjects, Bob on the work of KennethBurke and I on the work of Spanish author; Valle-Inclán.  The reward for all our work has been recognition by scholars in our fields and some published papers .

  Both movies have happy endings in which the characters end up with their true loves. The big difference for us was we did not wait until the end to find our true loves. since they were there all along and our still are while we write the rest of our lives.

va

James makes the reader feel like a student in beyond higher ed.  By 295 how much we have learned we cannot even list.  "... I am fooling myself that I can murder anybody.  I am a faggot, and playing roles is what faggots do.  Eighty percent of the time I've screwed men I wasn't even me."  A book to study over and over because the language hides-reveals continuous looping.  A book you feel you have read before, more than once, and have never read.  

bingo   they just escaped by running through the sewers flowing with shit and water, meet a tall guy in cut off shorts and bathing suit, long rose red hair.  Now I get it---have not had such a reading experience since Ralph Ellison's Invisible Man.  The Disappearers  Bingo !!  now I can start writing my review though I'm only on page 325 

Syracuse last night

crowds booed him.  He turned up, yikes, in one of my dreams.  Sat next to me in our circle of friends at someone's house.  I held by body tightly away from him, guarded my gaze from straying toward his area of the room.  Pale golden coiffure and blue suit.  Ugh  

other dreams were better.  Theta wave music so nice about 4 am.  Bright breezy day; heading to see Art and Karen at Gustos.  Sarah says Don has recovered his trip to the er in concord.  Was having trouble breathing.  Somehow he needed to get ride of five plus pounds of water, diarhetic did it.  Is retention part of heart disease?  

On 218 in James  Awfully good.  Curious whether I will look at any Anne Carson later on?  James is so rich with detail.  Can hear discussions of it with so many people from over the years.  Jim, Phil, many others.  

219 "reading books was the first time I could feel something loving me "  

He puts John Rechy in as source and honorable predecessor and theologian with whom he can agree, disagree, debate.  224 "and because only when another man holds your cock does arousal make sense, and because he fucking can, and because he is queer"

big book, sense of encyclopedia?  bringing all into Anglo world from carib depths 

nightmares common to gays the world over---micro macro 

there is no word for the floating

 there is no word for the "floating" gender in which we would all like to rest.  you don't feel neuter you just feel wrong and  wrong vis-a-vis the gender you're supposed to be in and wrong with the other one and so what what are you?  

gender-wise you are "liminal" 

now we have a great Counter statement from someone named Mario Sundar

I respect Anne Carson, who was just given the

for Literature. Her essays on Catullus and Cy Twombly were essential to me when writing about grief. But her praise of the “solitary, hermetic autodidact” and the “desert saints who sit on columns” points to the exact dead end of modern literature, awarding literature’s highest honor to a philologist.

he goes on for longer, check it out, makes a nice argument for dirt and grit vs the mind

her comment about the going to church re-makes his case---she says a kind of thinking takes place in church as in no where else

got the absentee ballots -- only took two drives downtown. I got mine, clerk must mail Va's to her.

jon ossoff the next president

george told me ken and carole got their 90 each from bump

no document from Rick except those two handouts can hear him and claudia laughing on the plane to guatemala with all of our financials and infos in their pockets, on his tablet lenovo brand I'm not familiar with is lenovo equal to apple ?

liminality

that word occurred as Rick talked to us about the field of financial planning.  Idealistic young person called to a vocation in liminality is what "having a vocation" might really be about.  Studying finance the way earlier idealists studied philosophy or theology or religion and literature.  Finally I saw how any study can easily replicate the call.  That is what the rhetoric of religion is all about, of course.  All the religions Burke lists in his great master list of religions will have a body of theory, theology, lives of saints and sinners, rises and falls.  Rick told us about the recent spectacular collapse of young German investment genius Leopold Ashbrenner.  Star among the Columbia business school academics, that third of speculators who have no business being in the market because always blinded by human all too human failings and flaws.  Against whom Rick positions himself as a pessimist for his private portfolio work, which positions himself perfectly in the liminal middle as a pessimist who works optimistically with clients whose lives he wants to save.  He wants to stay with and assist his clients until they die, until their assets are safely passed on to inheritors and the next generation.  It is a vocation to continue the traditions of hope and expectation.  The next coming, a resurrection, an afterlife.  A further life.  And M James is right in there with his small cast of queer youngsters putting on the brutal play of Fortune and Men's Eyes.  Playing a part, moving off and on stage, waiting for applause, all of it is about being in between and waiting for the applause after the final curtain.  

Phil took my bait and told me his largest portfolio is with Schwab.  Good to know he does use such brokerages.  I had no idea how he actually did his market activities.  He also successfully read the depressing book for his ladies book group so he complains about his empty, meaningless days but he's not quite as bad off as he complains he is.  

He's not as bad off as Dick's father-in-law the Macedonian muslim who has of late gotten interested in Christianity and done some searching online about it.  He's taken to dressing up in his best suit and sitting in front of his house in Skopje to wait for the arrival of Jesus and Mary.  One day he drove out to the airport to meet their plane with a bouquet of flowers because he knew they are coming.  His son went out to get him and could not convince him to go back home.  He gets belligerent when people try to show him Jesus and Mary are not going to come to his house.  

Should I send this anecdote to George, Phil, others, all of us who are in this oldster demo?  Or should I keep it to myself for now?  Funny and sad all together.  

Carson on fluidity pretty right on.  

Ann Carson 2

I did read one, or two? books by her years ago.  Which ones?  Love the interview know up where she's in the wind in Iceland and says they're crazy.  Also online explanation of why she lives in Iceland.  North America has too many trees, too much vegetation.  Iceland has lines, rock, water.  

speaking of water, Bela canceled the massage this morning.  Glad.  She would not have enjoyed it reall, as much as she imagined; I visited the place two weeks ago and it just is not inviting or satisfying . . . unless of course you're a golfer.  Maybe try the spa at lake estate if she gets the urge again.  

terrible message from Helen yesterday----they have had terrible luck with Ted's health turn over the summer.  have to look up anaplasmosis but it doesn't sound good 

Hi Bob and Virginia,

We had planned a lunch and visit after your August visit with David and family.  Unfortunately, Ted spent a month in hospitals from late August  till Sept. 23rd. A tick bite gave him anaplasmosis and later he had a small stroke, possibly due to atrial fibrillation. 

He's now been home for 2 weeks; I'm learning what it's like to be a full-time care-giver-- mighty difficult.  His memory, speech, and legs work very well, but hands and fingers are disabled.  He needs help with eating, dressing, and using the bathroom. Right now we have help from a nonprofit visiting nurse, home care aide, occupational and physical therapists.  But there's no clear schedule, nor any certainty about when his nerves in arms and hands will recover, or how independent he can become. So I've been thinking of you often, and wondering how you manage. 

He uses a walker, but can enjoy a car ride, so let's keep open our plans for lunch somewhere.

Amd let us know when you'll be leaving for Albuquerque.

----

still feeling the glow of Rick's visit and just the attention, I guess.  Quite an event in our lives to have someone visit with us for almost two hours.  Ok, so maybe it is a scam, the company alone is worth it!  Easy to joke.  If it is not joke who will be sorry and scared?  

the pueblo blanket ken and carole gave to us came from Carole's grandfather Freidinger who went to NM in the 40s with his Methodist church group to build houses for people there.  Should find something if I look that up   there is a Harry Freidinger from Monticello, IL   that town name rings a bell  

which pueblo?  wonder if the Palms trading post people would have a way to guess?  

 

Ann Carson

 

Thursday

 5:28 pm   Long visit with Rick E.  We signed up to go with his new crew.  Bonded too over zero drop Altra shoes, barefoot shoes, shoes made in Bohempia; his mother's family from Bohemia.  He's 44. Ten or so years he can retire.  Has worked out his approach to market lines.  He loves studying it, reading bios of failed business guys.  Is a committed pessimist.  Three types of market players.  Guys who let their faults get in the way; guys who are super smart but careless; guys who watch the long game.  I'm not wording these the way he did.  Bela said after he left: "he's a mystic."  I said while we talked you're like both a doctor and a priest.  We could add "therapist" too.  Bonded over his admiration of Shantaram, the book.  Bela now watching the video; we told him to look it up.  Claudia came with him and hung out at Marshalls.  We said we wanted to meet her next time.  Connect her and her Guatemala family with Nicholas on his annual trips there.  Rick and Claudia go there for two weeks every year.  His annual medical visit is there.  He will come back next week to continue our start up with boutique financial advising.  We are now part of the chosen one hundred!  (his client list)  He told us about the back structure of TIAA and its problems.  Things not foreseen, no doubt, when it began one hundred years ago.  But now evident, from about ten years back.  

Anne Carson got the Nobel.  Brava!  "Something about a man's backside when it's perfect is almost against nature."  Marlon James

Dick Mertens called just now.  Afrodita's dad, a good muslim, has gotten into christianity over the past few months via internet and expects, knows, that jesus and mary are coming to visit him.  He sits in front of his house in his best suit to wait for them.  A few days ago he drove to the airport with a bouquet of flowers and waited for their arrival.  When his son got there he could not persuade his dad to go back home.  Dick is studying the porches (?) native americans in the south (trail of tears) who now that they are super wealthy from casinos are buying up huge swaths of land and restoring them to grasslands. 

page 78

in Marlon James and, damn, 'dis be da book!  

​Hey Phil  

Cold down there too?  Sunny as heck, though, here and the trees looking better

turning red and gold than they have in years.  Lots of snow and rain in Feb-March

supposed to be best for the fall colorings.  

Trying to think of how to give you a hand with what you're going through and

coming up with not too much at this distance, except for imaginary feelings

of how distressing and upsetting it must be for you.

Can only think of writing things;  keeping an even longer or more detailed daily journal of what is going on for you each day.  Here is my example for this Tuesday so far:  Big event was driving out to walmart.  Parking lot all torn up so they can repave it, could hardly find a place to turn around.  Drove to the upper scale grocery store instead.  Took the heavy jar of ten years worth of coins to the machine that takes them; it printed out a slip saying I had $77.22 cash, take to any checkout.  Roamed the store buying children's zyrtec for Va's allergies, efferdent tablets for her nightly teeth splints, a few frozen dinners, a loaf of pigs fly bread (from Maine), and a box of strawberry flavored frozen Yasso mochis. (Japanese style snack, ice cream nuggets wrapped in rice powder skins). 

Started reading a new novel the NYT reviewed as the greatest thing since Joyce's Ulysses, not that they would ever hype anything.  

Time now to prick and ping the meal prepared just for us by the fuckingly famous british chef,  Chef Ramsay, and toss a few leaves of lettuce in oil and vinegar.  

Virginia's on her second round of antibiotics to clear out the infection in two toes of her right foot.  She insert was pinching it in way we didn't realize; big blister formed, looked nasty.  Same Day Care LPN figured it out three days ago.

Catholic Medical Center called and gave her a date in two weeks to go to Manchester so they can give her chest the cat scan that will tell the cardiologist what exactly is happening with her 7 year old aortic valve that it has become narrowed severely once again.  No symptoms in her (so far, more sleeping and fatigue, but not (yet?) the "trouble breathing" that is the first thing they ask about.  

That's it for the moment.  Hope you're both hanging in there as we all move

. . . onward and further on 

----

yes, the book is good.  Makes Moresco's look like a mummified  marxist euro intelo mulch.

or something   dried, dessicated, pretentious