I see its origin in myself. Even when we were of one mind, I had an ulterior thought: to be alone and on my own again. Back in my family period I was already leading a double life. In hours of harmony I was still on the lookout for something else---the wind in the leaves over there, the quivering rain puddle far off in the light of the night---and considered my being with the others a mere episode, thought it might last for decades; afterward I would be able to go my way as never before. . . . inside me something was turning in a different direction, away from closeness, away from fulfillment, away from the present. That counterdirection within me often became so powerful . . . that I could not stand being . . . in harmony. 102
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