Monday, August 31, 2026

different take

post on bluesky this morning:  66 Fairy Tales written by 40 different authors in three different languages, on three different continents, over approximately 1600 years.  The Bible.  Well, ok, if you put it that way . . . . .   in a class with the tag I saw in The Guardian a few years back "monastic religion headed by a prince in vatican city, Italy

talked with Doug, nothing specific yet; speare would send her on to a rehab hospital/center; she hopes she can do it here at speare rehab here

Monday 31 August  

Spoke with Richard Dannenbaum earlier today.  505-697-9471  Juan and team will do the hvac work on Thursday of this week.  They will also file with PNM for electric board upgrade; that has to be approved.  

Victoria texted to say hello.  I texted Lisa but no reply yet from her.  

Good walk for Bela at Walmart today; up to prescriptions and back with stops at customer service.  Swim tomorrow.  Philips' office called this morning to have us get a "rush" appointment with cardiology at Speare next week.  

   

Sunday, August 30, 2026

Tuahir

the old man in Sleepwalking Land.  He says to Muidinga on p 65:  "Never trust a man who doesn't know how to lie."  A hyena then lies down next to them, most uncharacteristic behavior.

Moresco, I thought earlier, noticing my painting in the bedroom, of course, he is the Giorgio Morandi of post-Post Modernist Italian literature.  Is there a new slogan for his work?  wiki gives him this line "Defined as one of the founding fathers of a new line of Italian literature that moves beyond post-modernity, and then mentions DeLillo and Pynchon but no clear slogan.  

I listened to theta waves sleeping chimes with my earphones about 3 am this morning and enjoyed that, went back to sleep, up and down, through at least two selections.  

Bela ready to order a custom house at the Fairgrounds road colony called Mountain View, for down the line in the future perhaps.  Earlier morning coffee thoughts.  

Muidinga is 11, lost his memory.  The notebooks they found in the burned bus were written by Kindzu, who died in the wars.  Survival in devastation, words, names, on pages, carved into the bark of trees.  Divorce is a kind of micro civil war, the slow dying out of earlier passionate "mutual enthusiasm" ( Handke's phrase).  

Having the cruise on the horizon is a great distracting project; anticipation, preparation, packing, imagining.  Something to shift the mind onto away from the new sadness, the news we were most likely the last to have been apprised of, even as we could sense the tectonic under rumblings much longer ago than we wanted to feel.  

"that miraculous hairclip of hers . . .was the cat's paw."  154 Beginnings

Friday, August 28, 2026

Friday the 28th of August

Wonderful movie last night, Jeanne duBarry.  Great rendition of life at Versaille under Louis XV, touching love story, study of class and wealth, rigidity and play.  The age.  

Chapter 8 featured the wrapping, unwrapping, care of, and rewrapping the circumcised penis of our narrator.  Some fish were smacked against the floor and then gutted and a poor cat similarly killed to get a souvenir cat's paw talisman.  The other characters ambled about the villa and park; the wedding dress being readied for the coming wedding.

Bela deep into another novel by the Spanish writer, Duenas. 

Crazy mind continues to speculate wildly about the separation-divorce; theories abound; ignored emotions come up with yarns and scenarios and flashbacks and entwined narrative arcs and threads.  The spaghetti of drama heard from a long tunnel or viewed through a periscope, a telescope.  Can understand Versaille better than our own family.  Thank you history and art.  Life itself that tsunami river wave crashing down from the mountains in Nepal wiping out everyone and everything.  

Sky did a terrific job repairing the toilet and then sat and talked with us for a while.  Wonderful guy.  His parents live out in Bridgewater, they came here as hippies (boomers).  Blakeley D grew up in DC, St Albans prep (National Cathedral), UPenn and Harvard architecture.  Sky's oldest, Wyeth, has gotten big into sailing this summer, day camp at Lake Winnepesaukee. 

End of summer week, everything happens.  Kim sent a market analysis of homes comparable to ours; prices have flattened and some dropped slightly.  

Would I want David to come back in a year or two and join Sky in his plumbing business?  

Got a proposal from TLC to work on Casa Alegre.  Will call them on Monday to talk with the sale person, Richard Dannenbaum.  Had never seen a document come on pandadoc and thought at first it was spam!!

Might be best to go back to one book at a time.  Finish Sleepwalking Land first?  Or go back and forth?

They move at such different paces.   

Wednesday, August 26, 2026

mid week

watched Bela's PT session with Joel.  Set up three more appointments with him.  Beautiful day now.  Time for after lunch nap.  FIP has been playing lots of Dolly Parton in honor of her, she died yesterday of cancer at 80 in Nashville.  

Apple Maps just drove down our street.  Dick sent a piece about translating the Odyssey.  C&K have invited us to meet them for dinner this weekend.  

Our narrator has just clipped off his pubic hairs with scissors, standing in the moonlight at his window.  Next chapter titled "Circumcision."  Time to nap.  

Thursday

Echocardiogram went well.  Bad news from ABQ last evening.  TLC, Juan, says our HVAC is shot; ordering a whole new system, will have it put next to the house not on the roof.  Next few weeks.  Juan says just after covid, (we bought in 2021, May, or '22) many installations were "frankenmonsters," pieces they could find and cobble together but which did not fit the job's needs or each other.  

Tuesday, August 25, 2026

day off news

 started with a headache and drove west to Lebanon.  The Magic burrito place was not yet open and after looking in through the window I decided I didn't want to eat there after all.  Walked back around the square to see what the Big News painted on the gas station cafe window was about.  They had moved early in the summer to 1 Court Street.  I walked along and looked up that address to find that I had walked right past that number but had seen nothing new there then realized it must be one of those doorways on the other side of the big set of brick buildings, the side facing the back parking lot.  Just then over in the common I saw Sarah and Don getting out of their car.  They headed across the street and on the sidewalk in front of the courthouse where the big busses stop we chatted for twenty minutes.  Sarah was going in to the town clerk to pay bills on their new house in Lebanon.  The washer and dryer were full of gunk of some mysterious sorts so they were waiting for delivery of new ones.  They still think of the Ashland road house as the real house, primary home, and this Lebanon one as another place to use as needed or wanted.  Ginger, Don's daughter, is going through a divorce.  My ears took note of that but luckily I blurted out nothing.  You first agree on which house will be the base for raising the kids in a secure location; they you divide up duties involved in organizing the house and getting the kids to all their activities including school.  Wonder if this is what will soon be happening in Paris, some for of it.  

Had a sandwich at the Coop and drove home.  Fage yogurt at Walmart here is $3 cheaper than at the Coop, so there goes the myth that the coop is cheaper.  Bought those Norwegian crackers---our resident mice got into two packs that I had foolishly left out on the stove last night.  

Into the two books.  Moresco's opening title and line I love so much:  From Sleep to Silence, From Silence to Sleep I, on the other hand, found myself at ease in that silence.  In medias res, bam!  love that "on the other hand."  How far we are from "stately, plump Buck Mulligan."  Couto's opens with "War had killed the road thereabouts."  mmm sounds a note, with "thereabouts" the touch.  

If you drink a lot of water in a short period, you may move from mild overhydration to what's known as water toxicity, intoxication, or water poisoning. This happens when there's too much water in the cells (including brain cells), causing them to swell. When the cells in the brain swell, they cause pressure in the brain. You may start experiencing things such as confusion, drowsiness, and headaches.

Brain Pressure: Brain cells swell and grow larger. This extra pressure pushes against the hard bone of your skull, causing a throbbing headache

If you’re properly hydrated, your pee will be light yellow, like the color of light straw or lemonade. You may be drinking too much water if your pee is colorless or clear.

Bela had a good day of swimming.  She mentioned early that she's worried about David and Cécile and I agreed we both are.  She wonders if they had not been getting along for much longer than we realized.  I do think that is the case. 

We saw two videos on YouTube showing the tenders at L'Spezia; looks easy enough to use.  Also videos of the staterooms on Legend of the Seas.  None of course of the accessible cabins.  

Phone call from the TLC hvac tech in Abq.  Power outage notice canceled his visit to the house.  Esteban will go tomorrow or Friday to check on things.  Fingers crossed nothing serious. 

Return to Walmart

 how long has it been since we have not walked at walmart?  Went today at Bela's insistence.  She was fine, walked to the customer service.  I circumambulated the store, first in weeks as well.  Why a headache all day?  all day!  stronger now than earlier, frontal lobe.  cookies aggravate it, or was it the slices of cheese I took about an hour ago?  Just took third advil of the day.  Had a big salad with asian noodles for lunch.  Too much Skippy peanut butter on bread in the last three days?  Palm oil, corn sweetners?  Ora protein powder drinks over past two days?  Cacao?  Chocolate?  feel like I've drunk lots of water today.  

Eating a bowl of blueberries now.  Relieved Bela walked so well at walmart.  Not interested in walking around the house on her cane, however.  Not sure why.  Long sleeps in the afternoon after lunch and before GH for both of us.  She swims tomorrow.  Might ask Rachel to take her to pt again on Weds so I can drive the loaner car back over.  

starting into Sleepwalking the Land by Mia Couto   title could be one of Handke's  

Monday, August 24, 2026

Sebald on Handke

such magnificent essays   in Silent Catastrophes  

And in allowing the particular light

which filters through the leaves of the canopy

or the canvas of a tent to shine through from time to time

between the words placed with often astonishing care and precision,

Handke, in Die Wiederholung,  succeeds in making the text itself a place of refuge

among the arid zones which, even in the culture industry, are encroaching further by the day.

The book of a journey on foot through the Karst landscape . . . islands of calm . . . in whose depths

. . .  the beasts of the Karst could assemble . . . . 

Inscribed into this image of a peaceable kingdom, reminiscent of the Ark, is the hope that,

despite the unfavourable circumstances, some small part of our natural Heimat may yet be saved after all.


In Handke's work, teaching and learning are ways of preserving the world. 


I can think of no more beautiful image . . . than this page of Repetition dedicated to the road mender and sign painter.  

Seen in this light, the journey on foot becomes a kind of Pilgrim's Progress, and the stages along the way those of an imagined history of salvation.  The decisive factor . . . is the act of walking itself: 'Set out on the road to one goal or another, whether actually or merely in thought: between the goal and the intention there is something that contains both, namely the act, the progression.  This progression is as good as the goal:  for this will certainly be reached, if the decision is firm and the conditions adequate; and yet this progression can only ever be called intentional, because the walker can always just as easily be paralysed before the last step as before the first."   from Goethe's Color Theory 

This progression is what Handke calls the continuum, in his later books.  

They are the incidental results of the hope for redemption from the guilt-ridden conditions of life, a hope fleetingly realized in art, in the creation of images which allow author and reader to enter almost bodily into the nature of all things, which yet remains forever strange to us.  

----

I'm glad a read some of Stifter so I could enjoy the more the essay on Stifter and Handke.  I plan to read The Castle in our week on the cruise ship and when we get back I can then read Sebald's essay on that book.

Sunday, August 23, 2026

gray sunday morning

Emmett Stinson, Perth, says his holy trinity of books is Gaddis's The Recognitions x3.  I could see re-reading that book, more than digging into the Tunnel.  I "read" Recognitions at some stressful time and barely got what it was but enough to have been impressed and fascinated.  In all the good ways.  Stinson, on X, says "I like pretentious bookslop."  He follows 1.3k has 2.5 followers.  

apple photo claims Feb 4, 2016 we stood in front of the Taj Mahal to have our picture taken. 

steady rain now falling.  Headache has won, I've capitulated and taken two small advils.  10:46 am 

on X a few moments ago a post from Nicholas dated 2014 showed up, this famous passage from Merton:   


At the center of our being is a point of nothingness which is untouched by sin and by illusion, a point of pure truth, a point or spark which belongs entirely to God, which is never at our disposal, from which God disposes of our lives, which is inaccessible to the fantasies of our own mind or the brutalities of our own will. This little point of nothingness and of absolute poverty is the pure glory of God in us. It is so to speak [God’s] name written in us, as our poverty, as our indigence, as our dependence, as our sonship [and daughtership]. It is like a pure diamond, blazing with the invisible light of heaven. It is in everybody, and if we could see it we would see these billions of points of light coming together in the face and blaze of a sun that would make all the darkness and cruelty of life vanish completely . . . . I have no program for this seeing. It is only given. But the gate of heaven is everywhere.  from Confessions of a Guilty Bystander

AI discovers  "Merton borrowed the exact phrase le point vierge from the renowned French Catholic scholar of Islam, Louis Massignon.   Massignon used the term to describe a concept found in Islamic mysticism (particularly from the Sufi mystic al-Hallaj)—the innermost, uncorrupted core of the human heart where the individual directly meets the divine truth.  

simmering onions, mushrooms and carrots to add

Sebald: 198: "Stifter rarely ever attempts . . . for the latent sense of panic beneath his quietist prose."

208  via Sontag  photography promotes forgetting; writing assumes a life in the future

216  "This is not so much a wish for death as a reversible simulation of dying."  

Saturday, August 22, 2026

Sebald on Handke in Silent Catastrophes

Sebald's essay on Handke, Beneath the Surface, is so good trying to slice out a key quote feels like an unforgivable violation.  What the essay demands is being re-read and re-read, its brilliance sends you back to re-read the novel.  The last sentence will have to do:  "The pathography of the protagonist and the biography of the narrator thus converge in what, from the point of view of societal normality, appears as illegitimate nature of both illness and art, which, each in their different way, recall the destruction that is wrought in the lives of children."  151  Can imagine how beautiful the sentence must be in the German.  

The beginning of that final paragraph:  "The suggestion implicit in the above, that in depicting a pathological world view Handke was ultimately also concerned with a scrupulous examination of his own artistic 'guilty' conscience, and his own distance from 'normal' life, is confirmed by his story in another regard also."   "Bloch's story converges with that of the missing schoolboy" 

"the development of goalkeeper Bloch's pathological state goes back to pre-existing handicaps of a social nature, and that his own art only goes beyond the pathological inasmuch as it opens up, for both author and readers, [. . . . .readers . . . .] an understanding of the wretched and utter hopelessness of such circumstances."  150-151 

now if only Sebald had written such an essay on each of Handke's novels after this one !  

next essay on Light and Dark deals with Stifter and Handke  and later a big essay on Repetition  

much to look forward to    probably will not read the final tale in the Stifter volume  

heavy gray skies now    rain tonight, Saturday   

"he had chosen this apartment in particular

 because it appealed to his poetic powers--which expressed themselves less in creation than in reception."

108 Motley  "there was nothing he loved more in the world . . . to stand at his window on a rainy day and watch as . . . the moisture crept down the old walls."  

I like that notion that poetic powers could best express themselves in reception---there, my whole life understood, described.  When I consider the remainder of the passage and the context in which it is placed I wonder if I am using it, affirming it, adopting it as my motto, somewhat too hastily.  It may not be a sentiment one should take as an ideal, after all.  How can I know?  

Saturday   What if I place that comment about reading with Mia Cuoto's?  

"Books are never written. When we read them, we write them."   Mia Couto

his poetic powers expressed themselves less in creation than in reading--reception  

Sebald's essay on Stifter may help me out here.  Since he wrote and painted might he not be placing reception on the lower rung of estimation.  Could also wait to see how this vaguely creepy story turns out.  The narrator warned us it would be dark---Tourmaline  

today and tomorrow I am trying to do a 24 hour only thing eating only Ora So Lean & So Clean powder protein.  Why?  Who knows.  Some strange "cleansing" impulse, or "fasting" or experimentation to see what happens to the cycle of headaches?  

"It is a dietary supplement designed to boost protein intake, not a complete meal replacement. Each serving provides only around 120 calories and minimal fats and carbohydrates, meaning it lacks the total daily energy, essential fatty acids, and broad spectrum of vitamins and minerals required to sustain human life."  

so indeed this is a fairly stupid notion and where does it spring from?  

Anton Reiser, the German novel, written in 1785-1790    Christian Garlitz shows up in Garrett County, Maryland  1790-1873 Avilton, MD 

In the end we are unable to reconcile the facts, because they, to this date, simply have not been discovered. Therefore we can only reconcile the stories. Thus, for the present, the history presented on this website lists the first Garlitz in the area, the one who came from Prussia, as John Hendrey Garlitz. The Garlitz to whom all the family histories are traced is Hendrey Christian Garlitz or Christian I. The great hunter of folklore is Christian II. And the convert to the Catholic faith and the settler of Avilton, MD, is Christian III.

"same" German cultural mind-sets?  And the point is?  

putting an end to the Ora only thing, having some milk, yogurt and granola 

back to Tourmaline   a tale of the mother who fled, who disappeared, from the girl with the large head who lived in the basement of the abandoned house.  Sense of tales from Poe, slightly.  

so that's it!  the great actor, the professor, the man who fell to his death, the woman who birthed the young girl, the ancient house, everyone "disappears" and none of their lives are told with any meaning.  Very proto-modernist indeed.  Nothing coheres.  The tale is dark in the sense that it is a mystery with no revealing patterns.  Stones hold themselves together, we can carry them in our hands, but in themselves they yield nothing to us that we may want to hear from them.  We live in the landscape of mountains, nature, stones, but we are not of them.  At all.  

our son's dissolving marriage weighs on us in the silence of the house now and we wonder how it will all play out over seas in that other country that we understand and do not understand.  Could his wife not be a character in many types of stories, including one by Stifter?  One by Henry James, for sure.  I talked with him about Henry James in the only short conversation we had about the situation.  I wonder how to help him, what to do, what to say.  We are clarifying bequests in the portfolio that had erroneously been neglected and I am going to re-do the trust and will to clarify David as sole beneficiary.  Ten years ago we had named the grandchildren as well, trying to be caring, but now under these new circumstances it seems better to not try to engage legal structures we cannot comprehend.  So many tv dramas under our belts!  As much as we do not cotton to "Ted Lasso" as entertainment, it had some resonances that we could not help but notice, in this new situation, about the American abroad trying to navigate a different national and cultural reality.  

Friday, August 21, 2026

rules of thumb

years ago I learned from that beautiful magazine for doctors that Mamacita subscribed to that it takes three weeks before a doctor actually begins to feel the relaxing effects of a vacation.  Old rule of thumb.  Bet it would bring some scoffs these days.  However, the query today is: how many weeks does it take to relax after visitors have been staying with you for three weeks?  

hmmm

empty house, chill air this morning, picking up, laundering, rearranging; we did establish that the new toy aisle chair works perfectly to get Bela into the downstairs bathroom.  

letter from Dr Fagan says nothing in the mri would relate to persistent headaches.  Should I see anyone else, maybe neurology?  

hard time sleeping last night.  suspect mountain mermaid shake had some green tea or other such in it

Karl Philipp Moritz's Anton Reiser

Adalbert Stifter's Motley Stones

will I finish these ?  

picked up euros at the bank.  Very tall young teller.  Nolan Cross, graduated from Exeter high school six years ago; advanced placement English there with Ryan Hale.  

will talk with Fagan next week for short visit about mri and headaches---nothing to figure out, really 

Wednesday, August 19, 2026

MRI today August 19

 

Interesting experience; wanted DFW to write an essay about it.  After, in the parking lot short chat with John Sheineman.  He stopped himself short explaining why he took his buy out from the college a year short of turning 65 saying "because I was tired of fucking. . . ."   I was glad to hear that.  He described instead what a great trip he had with his family driving around the great lakes and taking in three or four of the world cup games.  

On the message from Mid-State it doesn't seem possible to copy and paste.  So here is the key line

so far as I can tell:  "IMPRESSION: Mild frontoparietal atrophy.  Pontine and supratentorial white matter disease, likely the sequelae of microangiopathy.  No acute hemmorhage, infarct, mass effect, or midline shift."  

Now, do I wait for Mid-State to contact me and offer explanation and what to do?  Or do I ask google to explain the lingo and advise procedures?  

Stopped into Westcott Law to find out if we are in the computer.  Email said no.  Should I contact Dorcas can't recall her last name, now!  Dorcas Murphy?  She is no longer with Westcott.  

Rick Evans called while we were watching General Hospital.  All is well but he is sending documents to update beneficiaries for two of our accounts.  Wrote him back and said maybe we should update all the accounts to be safe.  

So the word disease has shown up.  What to do about it?  How significant is it?  Normal part of aging?  Angiopathy?  Diet? medicine?  Cut back, kick up, smooth out?  

AI says it might be about blood pressure and to stay active.  Walk more?  What about nsaids on daily basis?  or live with whatever and try movement rather than any pills?  

Stylistic Rhapsody

 title from search on G on iphone, which did not show up on same search here on airbook

Stylistic Rhapsody:  Critics characterize the book as dream-like and plot-nebulous, functioning less as a traditional novel and more as a turbulent, erudite prose poem oscillating between despair and rapture.  

so, I got it.  Long essay in NYRB "His Mystic Way" July 14, 1994 issue  is it worth $10. to read it and 9 other issues?   also a long essay (AI?) on something called Grokipedia, what is that?

Furbank, turns out, wrote the big, key, biography of his friend E. M. Forster, also Alan Turing and "a book on political thought."  it's that political thought that helps me dismiss his terrible treatment of Milosz.  

here is his final harshness "Thus, as the Duke’s bravura tirades begin to modulate into Milosz’s serious mystical theories, the reader, battered and bemused by so much exorbitant phrase-making, can no longer quite silence the whisper at the back of his mind, that what the book suffers from is silliness." 

That seemed so clear the night I scanned it and copied out passages.  overnight and the next day I withdrew my agreement with Furbank.  His severe Judgment against Milosz is typical rational judgmental authoritarian dismissal of the poetic, the rhapsode.  As twisted and irritating as the novel, or "novel," is, it does still have many elements and passages that make it entirely worthwhile, as least as a representative work of the period and time as well as the great inner traditions,  both esoteric and exoteric. 

Sunday, August 16, 2026

Sunday 16 August

big day  Emma at earring workshop with Cordelia friend and Suzan at Artistic Roots

Dave and Eliot off to sunspot for arcade games

Dinner at Farmhouse slated for 4:30

we all slept late, bela until 10!  

nice breakfast table talk about their night visiting Pete and Erin O'Donnell in Lyme; they have clean gray rats as pets now in the house, beautiful new kitchen, hundreds of beautiful plants and flowers throughout

leftovers from Polly's 

apple photo reminded me eleven years ago today I was with Scott Merrill in Boston getting him, helping him get, his doctorate at BU  

really fun forty minute talk with Eric yesterday at Mountain Mermaid; he dropped off a few mushroom pieces this morning; will I try them?  hmmm possible not but we'll see   His visit with Dawson in BCN was his first time in Europe.  He noticed everything correctly and perfectly.  That was the core of the fun talk.  I had imagined the visit would go along scenario X but of course from the instant of recognized presence of the other person the visit goes along scenario of  P, S and onward.  Am I vaguely quoting Virginia Woolf here?  He got about a hundred pages into Schattenfroh and then put it down.  I apologized for having sent it.  His wife seems to be younger, more than five years younger, works in real estate, just got arrested for dui!  His daughters sweet and shy still at 16 and 14 or 12?  

back to finish up Milosz  why is it so difficult to read?  circular, spiral, clunky translation? dense; over wrought?  under realized, unfamiliar mode?  

now we have a buccaneer and the hanged man!  maybe there is a genre of erotica-exotica known as "tarot fiction"  

Cécile wants to talk to me, get me on her side, have me get Dave to see, etc etc  I walk away from her, twice now.  I must stay out completely and protect my own tranquility in all of this.  It is their drama, not ours.  

tarot fiction   Of course, Charles Williams---I read this years ago and probably got nothing much out of it---The Greater Trumps by Charles Williams: Written in 1932 by a member of the Inklings, this fantasy book features the Major Arcana as active, moving, 3D mystical forces central to a battle of magic

and Gemini also lists a book by Italo Calvino, Crossed Destinies  

134  Beauty and Adoration  . . .  Sorrow and Pity  

paroxysms  136  that is the governing mode of this tale  "I felt in my secret flesh and soul a kind of dark and strange pleasure . . . titillating anguish and gnawing delight  . .  . comparing it to the mysterious and appalling emissions of the hanged."  whoa  that is an image and a comparison 

then a perfect description of the psychology of a stalker 

page 137  extraordinary   applies to our moments here and how  have to copy out some later  great

clarity about love and betrayal---keys to the whole book 

Monday Aug 17  

Finished Milosz's very strange book.  Hallucinatory dream? trippy?  hmm maybe if I look through the volume called The Noble Traveller I will find context and discussion that will help.   Inner Traditions and Lindisfarne devoted lots of work to it some forty years ago.  1985 edited by Christopher Bamford, links no doubt somehow to the worlds of Temenos conferences.  good guess, math shows, 41 years ago!!

super quiet day.   C upstairs all day.  Willow and I had lunch, have read all day.  Kids down at the amusement park.  I went out to Walmart to get milk and cash and walk around; then to Hannaford to buy milk and walk around.  

strange book for strange days  listened to the theta podcast Eric gave me  meditation 

Thursday, August 13, 2026

the curious phenomenon of feeling

the extremes of states we see in the narrator, as tempetuous as any opera, any soap opera, any user of tick-tock, bantr, twitter or grindr or threads as possible.  Love as storm of impossible emotions swirling violently, like weather gifs on the nightly news.  The noble young Dane on the one hand, who woos the beloved lady, and on the other hand the sweet young lover named Edward who also woos her.  A trinity of lovers wracked with passions, wracking everyone around them.  

there must be a whole cluster of literary elements at work here under the heading of "libertinism."  'lack of restraint"   as well is the desire to pull together into a unified vision of love all that can be attributed to or derived from all loves, all loves sacred, all loves profane, desires of every sort

Bela not happy with the novel about the dula of regrets.  Just found a Spanish writer named Luz Gábas.  

87 "baroque shadow of this great beanpole in a nightshirt" 

90 "There is a great mystery at the bottom of every affection, an impenetrable secret in the heart of every passion 

we have trouble enduring life and our love is intoxicated with eternity 

David off to prepare tonight's gig at the Covered Bridge.  All excited for the coming performance. !

Milosz's book an unrelenting rhapsody of love, love loving love,  

---

thursday  "Literature is the most agreeable way of ignoring life."  Pessoa 

back to a few pages of each book alternatingly   went to Speare to draw Bela's blood, realized we missed the echocardiagram yesterday 

surely Amorous Initiation was "erotica" in 1910 and a variant on erotica that lifted it from lowly erotica to sublime spiritual meditations---in today's lingo porn embraced as worship of everything, worship of flesh, of beauty, of cosmos, of self, of all  

111 for the thing called Beauty when it is outside of us is called Love when it is within us.  

99 Emotion offers us the deep mirror of dreams, and how surprised we are to recognize ourselves in the features of universal love!  

112 Drunk with pride and power, he found the first no when everything was yes, when everything around him was affirmation.   

Wednesday, August 12, 2026

back to Milosz

 day off.  weather has lifted and brightened, beautiful now, breezy, kids on Squam for boat party with Jeff and Mya  

I went back to Amorous Initiation---why?  A few pages so far and then just now this line ---  "When will it come, the promised day, the day of all days when the solitary being will feel himself moved to his very depths before a crowd of men as he is at the sight of the sea or of a forest?"  48  he has walked into San Marco square in Venice, our decadent narrator 

Bela had a fine swim; I dined at Casa Amigas in Tilton, policemen, one detective training a new guy, and three town businessmen;  Tilton historic district has just enough grunge to satisfy the wanderer's curiosities.  

"Why is it that oceans of trees and of waves unite in a revealing song of love, while a hundred human beings brought together are enough to create the most absurd, the most hateful of monsters? O peaceful herds!  Slow-moving white rivers at the foot of hills!"   

I did drive to the entrance of Livermore Falls State Park to see what it now looks like.  

Darlene just brough in two of George's cinnamon rolls.  Fresh and yummy.  They both now volunteer for hospice helping.  

"For love, poor chevalier, love resides in the heart of stones, and it is with a poor pebble, infused with tenderness and picked up on a solitary shore, that the teeth of Falsehood and of Arrogance will be smashed on the day of days." 53

"There is  no such thing as barren passion, for the love that does not increase is a love that revives." 62

"Once past thirty years of age, the majority of human beings live only to avenge themselves." 

"we never love better than when we ill understand, because the impossibility of acquiring a thing with the coin of reason reminds us of the marvelous treasure of feelings that we carry in our hearts."  

the affinity between mystery and love       all the charm of its sadness   

Tuesday, August 11, 2026

Sunday 9 August

breezy out now almost 6 pm  beautiful sunlight  fam at Wiley's party and beach

new blacktop at grocery store, feeling like a million now

ordered Noa aisle transport chair to use here to get into bathroom past the bookshelf 

back from Hanover, visit with Dr George Culler.  He's been on Royal C cruises with his parents and his wife and their twin girls.  

that was yesterday Monday 10 August

 

Saturday, August 08, 2026

surprising reply from Dr Kaminski

 Saturday 8 August

This email today.  

Thank you very much, Bob, for your lovely letter. I am 72 and have struggled for years with my otherness, the tension between feeling like an outsider everywhere and being welcome as an insider, which became increasingly intolerable. I felt that to fit in socially, I had to be performative to seem predictable to others. (I call it pseudo-extrovert.) Eventually, I decided to stop performing and just be myself, to the best of my ability. The gain in inner balance, despite some loss of social standing, was enormous, so I never looked back.  

 
I have never changed my identity since the day I was born, and this is the same me walking into the future, whatever it may be. So for me, I am the center of gravity, not my life (which is happening to me with little control on my part). An otrovert, whether aware of that or not, does not have the tether to their contemporaries, which helps the communal people deny death until it is impossible. In my humble opinion, otroverts live with much better peace throughout the entire arc of life.   

As we otroverts get older, forced aloneness is actually a very familiar feeling.  Loneliness has never been painful to me.  And I come to this chapter of my life with the same solitude I experienced in my youth.

thanks you agaiin,
Yours, Dr. kaminski 

here is the letter I sent via email on May 18 

Hello Otherness Institute and Dr Kaminski 

How long I have waited for this marvelous book.  I read it, re-read it and
watched the comments available on Instagram and YouTube.  Also
took the test, twice. 

So powerful, clear, lucid and moving.  The book I have been looking for
since I was . . . 10 or 15 or 20 years old.  I am now 82.  

This explains what I have spent a lifetime realizing about myself and my
relationships with groups, hives, tribes, and teams.  Departments and
committees.  Gatherings of all sorts.  My own journey within.  

Thank you, beyond words, 

Robert Garlitz  

having his reply and remembering now my initial letter, I am moved once more; not "to tears" but to some feeling I am not able to name readily.  Note too how it follows one day after my annual checkup.  Not that they are connected and yet perhaps cosmically they are since I was going to tell Dr Fagan that he is the finest doctor I've ever met, but I did not do that.  In the evaluation e-message from MidState today I was able to say he was 10 out of 10.  Not the same, but ok.  

Read a few more pages of Anton Reiser.  A few pages a day will work well, alongside Stifter and Moresco.  Have to see if the novel blog discusses Stifter.  Would think so.  Nope, seems not.  

Another surprise for today:  "Mia Couto was born on 5 July 1955 in Beira, Mozambique, the country's third largest city, where he was also raised and schooled. He is the son of Portuguese emigrants who moved to the Portuguese colony in the 1950s. When he was 14 years old, some of his poetry was published in a local newspaper, Notícias da Beira. Three years later, in 1971, he moved to the capital Lourenço Marques (now Maputo) and began to study medicine at the University of Lourenço Marques. During this time, the anti-colonial guerrilla and political movement FRELIMO was struggling to overthrow the Portuguese colonial rule in Mozambique.[citation needed]"  

Moresco so far

nothing like I thought it would be, given the chatter on Lawton and deep vellum a few weeks ago

am only on page 70   all seminary days so far   can see the language weirdnesses and flowerings begin

acutely observed and  piercing---what was that great phrase Updike used for Handke?   

but pity poor readers who had no catholic upbringing no Italianate churchiness---guess they would read it as exotica  

would I enjoy reading all of Frank Waters to get more clued in to the pueblo realities on the glyphic mesas?

ordered a mystery writer of younger generation, set in Albuquerque

our real life drama for the next two-twenty years will be most interesting   If it were an episode of Cassandra or Candice or Emily; MBTI check would tell the script writers: L is an esfj, A is an entj; each would make superb trial lawyers.  Engrenage tripled with psychologists, lawyers, procrojuctor (whatever that title is) and principles.  with principals.  or principals with principles J and J onstage

Dramatism reigns, returns, arches over all  

one good short talk yesterday reminded me to check the mbti again  my guide in all things

Bela seems to be regaining her left leg strength.  Almost as though her whole system just says, hey, summer is here, time to cool down, rest, chill, tune out for a while

Lisa sent photo of Emrys visiting there today.  I guessed he is 26; C confirms that based on his age against Emma's.  He was 12 in Paris when she was a baby.  Playing his loud violin outside on the terrace facing the daily weather balloon.  

Saturday Aug 8    Jon guiding the day excursion to tubing from Livermore Falls (Arethusa) to the Plymouth bridge landing park.  Super muggy day; feels awful.  headache if full pressure.  Glad Fagan and I agreed I should get an MRI.  Adventure awaits.  

got a passage on Moresco to paste in here   from a site called themodernnovel.org but I don't know who the author is for that site    "Scarpa also comments that this is a masterpiece and I am inclined to agree with him.  Clearly, given that Moresco himself was a novice priest, a member of a far left group and struggled to get his work published, we must assume that it is, at least in part, autobiographical.

However, as hinted above, the book does not readily fit into any current Italian literary tradition which may explain its lack of success in its homeland, and perhaps, the fact that it has only been translated into German and not into any other language. However, Moresco has clearly created a brilliant absurdist classic, unpredictable, wandering, vague, witty, clever, going off on strange tangents, with odd characters and strange natural phenomena and a narrator whom we see as often lost in this world, saying yes at the wrong time, unsure of "

Mia Cuoto at  novelthemodernnovel.com  she has this great line before her faq page 

Books are never written. When we read them, we write them.

Mia Couto

she posted this wonderful account of a Handke novel I had not heard of and which is not in English, hence my free borrowing of this from her---who will ever know?  

"

Peter Handke: Kali [Potash]

Handke’s books often concern loners making strange journeys to somewhat exotic, perhaps mysterious locations. This is one of those books. A woman singer – we do not know her name – has just finished a singing tour in a Northern city and she is now leaving. Not only is it the last performance of her tour, it is the last performance of the season in the city because, as her limousine driver says, all performers now head South, as winter is approaching. She is heading it seems to her childhood home, a pre-winter city but also an emigrant (not immigrant) city, as Handke describes. (Even this is ambiguous, as when, a guitarist she is talking to, asks her where she is going, she replies In meiner Kindergegend. Oder nein, in der Nachbargegend. In der Gegend gleich neban, hinter dem Kindheitsfluss, hinter dem Kindheitsee, hinter dem Kindheitshügel. In der Gegend hinter meiner Gegend. [In my childhood region. Or, rather, no, in the neighbouring region. In the region immediately next to it, behind the childhood river, behind the childhood lake, behind the childhood hill. In the region behind my region.]) The city seems to be called Emigrants. The local football team certainly is. The area is noted for its huge underground reserves of salt (hence the title of the book), which were formed from a large long since disappeared sea and mining this salt is one of the occupations of the local populace.

Our heroine has something of a picaresque journey round this strange city. When she arrives, things seem quite straightforward. Indeed, the bus driver recognises her, as they were at school together. He even invites her to stay with him as he is not only a bus driver, but the owner of the local hostelry. the people she meets are not what we would call straightforward. They speak also as though they come straight out a fable – in a strange language, almost a philosophical language, but in conundrums and statements and Handke-like obscurities. And the whole visit is described in almost a dream-like style. She meets her mother who, she feels, has been expecting her but the mother takes it almost for granted when she turns up unannounced. We learn that (like Handke’s mother), her mother is not from that region but as to where she is from, several wildly conflicting options are given, none of which may be true. And there clearly are immigrants. One man states that they used to be from the East but now come from everywhere. This clearly mirrors the situation in Austria, where immigrants used to come mainly from Czechoslovakia, fleeing Communism, but now may come from anywhere. Indeed, we see a group arriving by boat and Handke clearly points out that they are not white.

Is this country a version of Austria, a pre-winter Northern country? And who is the singer? One man says of her Sie verkörpern das Tod [You personify death]. Austrian writers have made a point of showing Austria as some sort of deathly place – think of Thomas Bernhard and Elfride Jelinek, and Handke himself has certainly not been afraid of criticising his country. The immigrants are, as explained, first, the Eastern Europeans and now the immigrants found in most European countries. But there is another theory offered by one of the characters – the survivors of World War III. In other words, this is not just Austria but post-apocalyptic Austria.

The book needs careful reading and, as always with Handke, there are areas where you do wonder what might be happening. But this ambiguity is, of course, part and parcel of Handke’s style and part of what makes him such an interesting writer. The world is changing and, for Handke, not necessarily for the better. The old world – represented here by the woman vicar who is keen to hang on to the way things were – is slipping away from us and there is not much we can do about it. However, we have to adapt to this new world. It is an ambiguous confusing, difficult world, where the culture of death is strong. It is a bit preachy but, as with all of his books, well worth reading. Sadly, it is not available in English."  

pretty interesting and right in line with my takes and enjoyments of Handke---

and who will ever care 

Thursday, August 06, 2026

remembrance of geology past

how could I have forgotten?  Post on Insta today reminds me that Handke's guide through geology was well prepared for by my years of fascination with the paintings of Per Kirkeby.  I think he actually studied geology and his paintings took their orders directly from his visual and bodily experience of earth.  

too a few photos this morning of the laying down of the beautiful central strip of black asphalt on the street outside  Emerson Street   nice complex answers show up to the question of what top grade asphalt is made of for northern new england

Kirsten gave a nice response after I told her about having my KB books bound in Spain -- "Wow--those are gorgeous! I love the raised spines and the marbleized endpapers. Ahhh. . . taking your books to be bound . . . the way life should be! 

she had talked about her fascination (recent) with fine bibles and a guy on youtube who waxes eloquent about these books ---oh yess, of course full yapp !  


when we were in Spain years ago I had all my Kenneth
Burke paperback books (new copies) bound in hardboards
with leather spines and one I had done in full leather 
as with your alpagatas  the craft of binding still existed
and was not really that expensive (50 years ago) 

 I love the backstory. And I can so relate. While you were doing a deep dive into the world of fancy fountain pens, I was obsessed with luxury bibles! Yes! There's a guy who reviews fancy bibles on youtube and blogs about them, and I got so sucked in. I have to wrack my brain to remember some of the lingo . . . speckled edges, double gilt lines, full yapp, Smyth-sewn, speckled edges . . . I bought three and had to restrain myself from buying more! Insane! They're lovely, though, and I use at least one of them regularly. 

Your pens make me want to change my life. They're far nicer than the ones I had, none of which fill with a piston! I googled last night about how to fill the Lamy 2000 and gave it a try. Writes like a dream :) Looking forward to trying the Italian ones, and to getting some more ink so I can have a different color in each one.

Lucky me, thanks to you!"  

----
reminder from Mid-State that my appointment with Fagan is tomorrow afternoon at 2.  That will take out going to see the theater performance, but this week is not the big finale that next week will be so we hope that will be ok.  

about 3 pm Dave told us they have decided to separate.  They had a long zoom visit with Dr Souifi and came out of it with this decision

feeling pretty sad about it, we are.  No idea what to do or say, how the remaining ten days will go, the kids will react  


three hottest bald headed men

 according to Eliot the other night to Dave when Jumanji started: you, dad, are number one, French soccer star Thierry Henry is number two and Dwayne Johnson number three.  

Dave keeps a diary on his phone on an app called Diary.  

bought some ice cream for us.  Guess is the fam will go to the last catch and maybe the beach, sun is out now, warm and lovely evening ahead.  80s

got the note and card off to Kith   hurray 

Wednesday, August 05, 2026

glorious day most perfect weather possible in NH

 air and temperature and light just so perfect with breeze to enliven more than more 


Moresco's first small chapter a pitch-perfect description evocation of life in the seminary/novitiate at Ammendale and of serving mass as an altar boy, preparing the priest as he prays and robes 

beautiful morning drive over the Kirsten's house, put the package in her mailbox then later trying to figure out the road pattern saw her walking with a friend and her dog, woven sun hat.  This evening am worried that someone might have mistaken the package for trash put in her mailbox so I emailed her to see if she had gotten it, fingers crossed!!!

hung out at the centera grocery, small california roll, some short walks, snooze in the car and reading a bit of Moresco and the Motley guy  Kids set to watch Jumanji 2 tonight.  During last night's showing I found out via google there is a difference between high concept comedy and low concept comedy.   

now the next day---still nice but mugging up more ----Ken's guests will have noticed the difference, is his party two or three days?  He's distributing his collection to the cousins and grand cousins.  

note to Kirsten

A few years ago I fell into a rabbithole (hopel that is the right idiom??!!) called the Goulet Pen company.  Gouletpens.com 
I've enjoyed fountain pens over the years but this site led me into the ultra nerdy world of chatter about pens and their fine points.  Oh, dear, that was low brow!  Fascinating to hear these people discuss craftsmanship, materials, flow, inks, paper etc etc.  I'm sure you already know much of the lingo.  Anyway, I ended up buying these.  Money right after covid was piling up and burning a hole in my neo-adolescent pockets.  Splurge and prove your existence
to someone out there in the marketplace of connoisseurs; I'm always a sucker for that class game.  

One is Japanese, the other two made in Italy.  The black one crafted with ash from Mt Vesuvius!, so you can use that one for your commentaries on antiquities and the Ancients.  The blue one made I think in Torino.  Which has a strange tower in the center of town, a century ago or so one of the wonders of the almost modern world.  They each have such different feels--what's the word used here?--- in the hand, and different results on paper.  

In spite of repeated resolutions I just don't have the patience or time to take proper care of them and use them.  You are a true aficionado and so they will have a good home in your keeping.  

Enjoy them.  
------
the gruesome opening pages of Anton Reiser as well as the plague pages in Motley Stones----of course they seem familiar:  Lentz must have quoted freely from both books in Schattenfroh--which I read last fall.  

And yes the vibrations in the house from the earthworks outside are upsetting.  So was getting poked for blood draw, photos to show how bruised my arm is.  And visitors from across the sea have brought with them all sorts of strange molecules into my well guarded fortress and keep.  Ceremonial cacao will help, of course, but pepto b will be called into service and duty as well.  

Monday, August 03, 2026

Monday August 3

Long talk with David this morning.  They are having trouble.  Each has been seeing a psychologist and together they are seeing one for marriage counseling.  Later Bela said she was not surprised; I said the same.  We could both tell something was amiss at least a year ago.  More, most likely.  David said the counselor gave them instructions on how to tell the kids something and listen to what they have to say.  They are trying to figure out when would be the best time to have that talk.  Bela said she didn't know why she felt guilty and wondered what we could do.  I seem to feel the same way.  Both of us sad.  Annie died only two years ago.  I emphasized how much of a shock that was for Cécile, how it takes five years.  Where did I hear that phrase?  

Heavy day atmospherically too.  Heavy gray skies, some rain, drizzle.  I went to have my blood test draw at 2.  Bought some milk on the way home.  Left over pizza from last night for lunch.  

Petie wrote early this morning, Ray now in hospital for liver trouble.  On the right medicine, going to a rehab place to get stronger again.

Wanting to get into Motley Stones and have it work.  Dick sent an essay from nyt by christopher nolan about the new odyssesy movie.  I'm glad I read it (gift article--it opened); clear insight and some hope about the chaos we are living through.  No---Christopher Nolan is the film director.  Times review written by Ezra Klein.  Dick has mentioned him before; highly regarded, big following.  Political blogger, author of great deal, including essay "The Economic Mistake the Left Is Finally Confronting", as reflective of his approach in scrutinizing existing policies that run contrary to the goals of countering scarcity.  He is vegan. Vegan!!!!  

Sunday, August 02, 2026

Sunday August 2

 Happy Birthday, Phil!   Really second your idea of joinging the UU's (as we call them here).  You will have a fine community to hang with,

find some chatter on a weekly basis, will give you that wee bit of contact each week that will help you moving forward into the continuum.
Our next door neighbor asked me to join the church here, Unitarians.  No one has ever asked that before.  He is about 87, one of about seven
or eight siblings all raised in Hyde Park, Chicago, at the Univ of Chicago Lab School, child of very famous (in the day) UChicago church historian
named Richard Grant.  A number of friends here go to this UU church.  One core element of the Democratic party in the state.  And Independents.
Maybe even some Libertarians?  

We went this morning to a heavily Irish-flavored wake for a friend who died last week.  Felt like a reunion of everyone we had known at the college.
Nice to see people, say hello, see how old we all now look, glad to be alive and waving greetings.  

Thanks for your nice  birthday wish for me, John,   I celebrated in a very unusual way for me.   On the advice of Peg’s brother, I attended a Sunday  service at a local Unitarian church.   I was impressed with the people and, despite being totally secular, may join the church just so I have some connection to local people.  Since Peg died, I have had almost no connection to local people…

Great to hear, Phil.  We've thought of doing the same but haven't yet come 'round. I hope you find it a congenial community.

Avanti!

let's see:  Annette and David, Dave Kent, Ken, George, Darlene, Pattie, George, Betty Jo, whose grandson, Liam Taffe a bright actor at USC, (Danny's son); Alma and Gloria, Gene.  We left after the speeches.  Took home some brownies.  Many other faces.  Barb's older sister recalled their high school days just like the movie.  Her dad bought them a white pontiac convertible, they drove endlessly around Geneva, NY. 

Our kids due any minute after a night at Mick's.  

Pacifico's short history of contemporary Italian literati politics very enjoyable.  He does not mention Handke, of course, but many Americans.  DeLillo and Pynchon and DFW hooray.  His explanation of Umberto Eco's success is delightful.  

17 "Every object is given weird personal significance, and the mystical power of insignificance is celebrated with unblinking candor."   "Moresco taps into something psychologically deep: the making of language as you go along discovering what life is and what it is trying to tell you. "

Maybe then this is when I should read Gary Lachman's newest Post.  "From Mythic to the Mental:  
"This was Thales, considered one of the Seven Sages of ancient Greece. With him the tradition of ‘rational inquiry’ that we associate with the West began. Rather than accept the traditional mythological accounts of how the world came into existence, the stories of why the gods made it one way rather than another, Thales asked a simple question: what is the world made of? What is the basic ‘stuff’ out of which everything else is made? As far as we know, no one before him asked this.

yet this earlier, more intuitive way of understanding remained and is with us still, occupying a kind of shadow realm on the fringes of rational consciousness. It is what we call “the imagination.” Yet this is not imagination as we usually understand it, having to do with “make believe.” This imagination “makes real.”

The other way is slightly fuzzy, imprecise, and unrepeatable – at least on demand – but it penetrates deeper into the world, and reveals elements of it that the method of quantification cannot. These are the meanings that come through in poetry, music, art and other forms of the imagination we acknowledge as something more than “make believe”. These are the “tacit”, “implicit” meanings that the philosopher Michael Polanyi said cannot be expressed “explicitly,” in the way that mathematical “meaning” can, but which are nevertheless felt. This is why the philosopher Wittgenstein said that the truly meaningful things in the world cannot be said, but only shown. The explicit knowledge that enables our probes to reach into the unthinkable depths of space can tell us nothing about the awe we feel looking at a starry sky. But a poem or passage of music can give us some idea and even evoke a similar awe within us.

in my book Lost Knowledge of the Imagination, I look at how different individuals throughout western history have recognised the need for bread and for that elusive something else that all the precision in the world cannot provide. Since the rise of the reign of quantity, this elusive something else has increasingly been seen to be a mirage, and the appetite for the “vague” an unfortunate hangover from less rational times. And our means of embracing it, the “imagination,” has been reduced to the daydreams of romantics not able to face facts. This outlook may seem  disheartening but it need not be so. Whatever pushed the mind out of its mythological mode and into our rational one, may be at work today, preparing us for its next shift. There’s no reason to believe it can’t be one in which the two permanent needs of our nature enjoy an equal say.

gary-lachman.com

Pacifico ends by invoking "Seinfeld" Moresco is the Cosmo Kramer of contemporary literature. Doesn't work for me, alas. But if Pacifico thinks it makes him cool with American readers, what can we do?

Dave and kids just arrived. Pacifico spent pages talking about Moresco's love of the word "shucked." just now dave talked about how he and Mick shucked oysters for the big dinner they had. And they Did! go see Phish!